20 top alternative predictions for life 100 years from now

January always brings the clairvoyants out of the woodwork and this year we owe gratitude for both inspiration and humor to the BBC’s online magazine, with their recent compilation of 20 top predictions for life 100 years from now as sent in by loyal readers. 

Here they are, in brief, along with my own interpretations and suggestions for what may well be more realistic alternatives:

1. Oceans will be extensively farmed and not just for fish

I know in the original version we were talking plankton farming, but what about fishing for scrap metal from old rowing boats, dumped shopping carts, ditched cars, tin cans, along with discarded condoms and elastic bands – plus the odd human body or six – most of which are lying just offshore and could be cost-effectively recycled into new metal, rubber or a bit of nice pigswill?

2. We will have the ability to communicate through thought transmission

Thought transmission makes me think of greasy gearboxes, although my own brain strongly resembles one of those. My feeling is that communicating thought might just still be done by the simple act of writing stuff down and sharing it. Or by talking, even. So unfashionably simple, but a damned sight more reliable.

3. Thanks to DNA and robotic engineering, we will have created incredibly intelligent humans who are immortal

Oh, please. Have any of you coo-coos heard of Darwin? Despite his existence in the 19^th century he had a point. Death is part of life – part of evolution. Who wants to keep senile old goats alive for 300 years?

4. We will be able to control the weather

Good one in theory. But chances are the weather will still control us. Things like volcanic eruptions, destruction resulting from earthquakes, obliteration due to tsunamis, hurricanes et al are more than anyone’s fancy technology can stop. Who are you trying to kid? No-one will ever beat Mother Nature.

5. Antarctica will be “open for business”

Nice one. I can’t wait for my descendents to shuffle out to Antarctica and set up some McDonalds and KFC franchises on ice that’s nearly three miles thick. Great way to keep those Cokes cool! Get this, dreamers: Antarctica is f***ing cold. By all means explore its resources but don’t expect normal humans to even go there. And whatever you do, don’t disturb the penguins.

6. One single worldwide currency

Pardon me while I scream with laughter…er, have you heard what’s happening to the Euro right now, oh BBC predictor? If we can’t get 27 countries to manage with one currency now, do you really think we can get nearly 10 times that many countries to go with one currency – even in 100 years? Phooey.

7. We will all be wired to computers to make our brains work faster

Huh? Why we will need to be wired to computers? Surely – if we are to roll with these hypotheses – we won’t need external computers any more because they simply will be implanted in our brains. Being wired to a computer is SO last century.

8. Nanorobots will flow around our body fixing cells, and will be able to record our memories

I like this idea – saves having to swallow chunky pills or dripping chemicals into a vein. But record our memories? A nanowebcam implanted in the brain? Too much would be unsuitable for family audiences, I’m afraid.

9. We will have sussed nuclear fusion

Yay, goodie! And how much will that help feed millions of starving people in developing countries which despite all our good intentions will probably still be developing by then? Still, won’t it be comforting to know that, with our having sussed nuclear fission, a bright 12-year-old will be able to make a nuclear bomb in the bathroom using an empty toothpaste tube and some dental floss?

10. There will only be three languages in the world – English, Spanish and Mandarin

Likely. But won’t that have the descendants of Angela Merkel, Nicholas Sarkozy and other pompous northern European honchos hopping up and down with rage. And don’t forget the Québécois in Canada. They won’t stop speaking French until Planet Earth explodes up itself into a black hole.

11. Eighty per cent of the world will have gay marriage

Helpful for the LGBT communities, but will marriage still be used? I know the rightwing politicians keep bleating about marriage because it’s a good vote catcher amongst the Daily Mail readership, but surely it’s a bit “old hat” for some people even now. So in 100 years? Nah.

12. California will lead the break-up of the US

Yeah, right – if they haven’t gone broke long before then. You want a daring bet? The USA will be bankrupt and the descendants of Felipe Calderón will have hell’s own job stopping the flow of illegal US immigrants crawling south under the barbed wire fences along the border to get into Mexico.

13. Space elevators will make space travel cheap and easy

Great. I just hope they don’t charge huge penalties for every extra gram of luggage weight, fifty bucks for a bottle of water, no disabled travelers allowed as they’re too inconvenient, and flights that get diverted to Mars or Jupiter for the Space Police to come on board because two *sshole passengers get drunk and start a fight.

14. Women will be routinely impregnated by artificial insemination rather than by a man

OK, but do we assume that men will still be required to provide the, er, insemination consumables? It’s true that some species of shark, I believe, give virgin births. But who wants to be a shark? And who (other than people with fertility issues) wants to miss out on conventional baby-making?

15. There will be museums for almost every aspect of nature, as so much of the world’s natural habitat will have been destroyed

A sad thought. But not for the museums, I suppose, and at least they’ll provide a rather more enriching choice of entertainment for young people than smoking weed in underpasses in city centres, popping pills and passing out at heaving raves, stealing cars and killing each other with knives and handguns.

16. Deserts will become tropical forests

That would be cool. That would also mean it’s going to be incredibly wet. Not so cool.

17. Marriage will be replaced by an annual contract

Further to number 11 above, you mean … Can you imagine the fun you could have with your partner when that contract’s coming up for renewal? Breakfast in bed on demand, all the housework done, laundry washed and ironed, groceries bought and put away, fine wines with delicious dinners cooked to perfection…oh, yes. I like this one. Shame I’ll be dead.

18. Sovereign nation states will cease to exist and there will be one world government

Maybe, but how would you reconcile the fact that they speak three different languages, i.e. – English, Spanish and Mandarin as in point number 10 above? Never mind, this might be a good time to tell your great-grandchildren to learn all three languages and work as interpreters.

19. War by the West will be fought totally by remote control

…by the ringleaders who are safely tucked up more than 36 million miles away on Mars, no doubt. Anyway I think the West will have a lot of other problems to deal with in the next 100 years and if anywhere is going to get its ass whipped, it’s the West. Watch your backs … bandits coming in from the East…

20. Britain will have had a revolution

Oh, ZZzzzzzzzz. The Yanks tried that a while back and look where it got them. In Britain we’re still getting over the hell-on-wheels that was the Industrial Revolution which ruined the countryside and polluted our lungs. And street rioting’s no fun at all unless there are some decent shops to loot, which excludes high profile high-street locations now because most of the stores there are going bust. I don’t think so.

What are your predictions for 100 years from now?