A beginner’s guide to shoes
AKA how to go shoe shopping with a female that you have an interest in.
- Image by Northampton Museum via Flickr
My husband comes shoe shopping with me. Ever since I spent £900 on 4 pairs of shoes he feels it’s essential to hold my hand when I am buying. I might like to add this was 6 years ago when I was the breadwinner and it was from my own money, not the family budget. He’s the breadwinner now, so he holds the purse strings and I will admit to torturing him just a teensy bit when it comes to shoe shopping.
The aim of this guide is to explain to those not interested in shoes or shoe shopping, the basics, so you can feign an interest and not look an idiot. It will be helpful, so bookmark it for future reference.
Starting at the beginning, shoes are not just for walking around in. They can mean many things, but mostly they mean satisfaction in the form of an affordable piece of designer wear.
Basic tips…
Red shoes will always fit, regardless of the size – ask your nieces / nephews if you have no kids of your own to ask.
No shoe is too high. They of course can be too flat.
Cork heeled shoes are only suitable for holidays abroad, or the beach. They will not work anywhere else. Sun, sea and sand are the only things that forgive a wearer of cork shoes. Do not suggest cork soled shoes if you wish to maintain any credibility on the shoe front. In fact, I would suggest marching orders to partner that suggested cork soled shoes. Even wedges.
Mules, flat ones especially, are for the school run. Clarkes is the best place to buy these if your partner insists you buy them for them, sight unseen. They are for shopping in. they are not for going out clubbing in.
Navy blue suits should always be worn with navy blue shoes and not black shoes, and never ever with black tights. If your partner wears a lot of black suits, navy shoes should not be suggested.
Types of shoe…
There are too many to mention in this beginners guide to shoes, so let’s get a few things straight. Wedges are not made from potato and served as a side order, mules are not donkeys and kitten heels do not contain kittens.
Some shoes are referred to by their brand name, Birkenstocks are almost always worn by mothers. Manolo’s by celebrities and Louboutins by those who have a death wish or who are determined to score. You will know these if your partner wears them.
Finishes…
Patent leather and leather have a different look. If in doubt do not buy, if you bring home patent leather Mary Janes, they will only go down well if they are bright red.
Suede shoes, lovely to look at and a complete bugger to wear in the rain. They get wet, the dye runs and you have coloured feet. Suggest these with caution. The same goes for suede boots. In fact, only teeenagers can get away with wearing suede these days, and it should be avoided unless you are also picking up your pipe and settling down by the fire.
Colours…
Brown and Beige are two different colours. Don’t confuse them.
And finally…
Do not say “those shoes must be hell to walk in, your feet must be killing you”, instead compliment the wearer on her stunning footwear and appreciate her ability to hold a conversation whilst inwardly wanting to kick off her heels and put her feet in a bucket of ice. Multi-tasking at it’s finest.
PS if a woman is wearing ugly but comfortable shoes, do not comment on that either. It is not that she cannot be bother, it’s cos last night she was wearing the heels that stopped the conversation in the room.
About Sarah ArrowSarah Arrow is the managing editor of Birds on the Blog, in real life she is the communications director of a same day courier service. She is an enthusiastic UK based pro-blogger and co- author of the soon to be published Zero to Blogger
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9 Responses to A beginner’s guide to shoes
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Mans guide to shoe shopping with the woman in your life:
Enter shoe shop. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes (if you have not bought shoes in last 3 years and current pair are leeking from the walk in the rain to the shop). Total time spent in shop so far 1.5 minutes.
Excuse yourselves by remembering something vital in local HMV/DIY store (delete as appropriate). Promise to be back in exactly one hour.
Go get a coffee (after 5 minute trip to all the other shops your interested in).
Now the important bit. It is absolutely VITAL that you return 5 minutes early (10 if this is not your first time shoe shopping). This way you get to catch the wonderful lady in your life just as she is about to go and pay.
Inspect her purchases. Any shoes that cost more than the family food budget for the month can be returned (check her hand behind her back, a novice mistake to miss the really expensive shoes hidden there).
Hang by door as she pays ensuring that no additional pairs “accidently” get put in the bag.
No stray pairs accidentally got in the bag? lmao. Love it.
Of course it your Mrs reads this, she will have grounds for divorce you know, mental cruelty
LOL I learned the black – blue thing as a sales rep. My first serious field job out of the office required smart suits from Mon-Fri. My dear mother, forgetting that I'm colour blind, dragged me out for a makeover. Two new suits (jackets and skirts) at Next, one black, one navy, exactly the same. Same at Bally for two pairs of snazzy matching court shoes in patent leather. For once I looked tidy and professional rather than looking like I'd gone through a bush backwards… well, in the stores at least.
Then comes the winter and leaving the house in pitch darkness to drive 70 miles from Hants to Herts round the M25. I grabbed a jacket and a pair of shoes, put on my driving slippers and off I went.
Arrive at Doctors surgery to be told by receptionist that I had my 'Harlequin outfit' on that day…
Jacket and skirt not matching or shoes not matching and several times, one black and one navy shoe. Arrrgh!
These days I take someone shopping with me and only ever buy black pantsuits and black shoes. No navy. Ever.
Twitter: maverickny
I did the navy/black thing once too
I tend to buy several identical pairs of shoes when I find a work pair that I like and once I picked up a navy pair and a black pair. They were identical except for one had a two inch heel and one pair had a 3 inch heel.
The inevitable happened and I work one navy / one black shoe to work and hobbled about for the day. It took me ages to work out why I was walking funny
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I remember walking along Oxford Street a few years ago on an unusually lovely summer's day having just purchased a then hard-to-get yet brilliant sun lotion.
Amongst people on their lunch break and shopping for holiday gear (why else would anyone be on Oxford Street at that time unless by necessity?) I couldn't help but notice a rather well padded female, determinedly making her way wherever.
What was so noticeable about her was that
a) she was wearing extraordinarily high heels (the ones in the illustration set this memory off) and
b) from her bottom upwards her back was leaning forward several degrees – presumably to counteract the effect of the height of the heels in question
Not only did she look ridiculous (not the outcome she was striving for, I'm sure); what about the aggro she was building up for herself in the future?
Yes, there's something about a high heel that makes a woman feel very feminine in a way the that's hard to beat and I confess I wore them during the power days of the eighties but never to the point where they affected my posture like that.
Now, especially since I broke my pelvis a few years ago (nope: I wasn't wearing high heels at the time), I keep even the lowest of heels for special occasions…
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
LOL, this is funny! Shoes do not accidentally get into bags:-)
and I love the bit where you lose yourself somewhere else!
I love Birkenstocks- I taken advantage of the German sales I once got 5 pairs for £79 as I note £79 only gets you one pair in some place in the UK