Care of the elderly at home: are you prepared?
Earlier this year I unexpectedly found myself in the role of part-time carer for my grandfather. He’s 99 years old and until the past year or so, has led a very healthy, active, and fulfilling and life
Today there are, quite rightly, many positive images of old age and many of us can look forward to a long, independent, happy and active retirement. However, if we’re lucky enough to live to a ripe old age, and even if we don’t succumb to illness, we’re all going to become frail at some point and will probably need some form of social care. But how many of us have considered with any seriousness who will take care of our daily and most intimate needs when this happens? If we want to remain in our own homes, who will care for us? Will family members be able to, or be comfortable doing this? What sort of professional care is available at home, and how much does it cost?
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Like many people, I’ve said, a bit flippantly, that I won’t ever put my family through the ordeal of looking after me and that I’d rather go into a residential care home. But will I still feel like this when the time comes, or will I be desperate to say in my own home, in familiar surroundings; somewhere where I feel safe and secure? And who is going to pay for this care when I need it? It all seems so far away in the future that until recently I hadn’t given it much thought. Now I’ve come to realise that the need for care in old age, and the care system for the elderly in this country, can be a logistical and financial nightmare that puts families under immense pressure, and that perhaps we should all be thinking ahead a little more and being a little more prepared.
When an elderly family member becomes ill or frail, the whole family have to decide how best to cope with this situation. Not all family members are going to be able to help, perhaps because of family or work commitments, and not all members of the family are going to want to help with the sort of care an elderly person needs. As a family we’re luckier than many in this situation because, after a long working life, my grandfather can afford to pay for professional care at home. However, being able to fund the care does not necessarily mean it’s always available: sometimes the agencies don’t have enough available staff to cover all the requests they receive, and that means that family members have to fill in the gaps – often quite a commitment in itself.
It’s one of my night shifts tonight and, as always, I feel a bit daunted by the prospect because I’ve had a full working day today and then I’ll be up all night with my grandfather. I rarely get the opportunity to catch up on much sleep during the days following night shifts – I have a family, and a business to run, and anyway, it’s my son’s 11th birthday tomorrow so sleeeping all day is definitely not an option Juggling family, work, home-educating my son, and the role of part-time carer is tricky – goodness knows how people who care for elderly relatives on a more full-time basis cope.
Women in their forties or fifties who are looking after both children and a parent or elderly relative have been dubbed ‘super carers’ – and apparently there are about 2.5 million of them in the UK, with this figure expected to rise to 3.9 million. Most are aged between 45 and 55, and almost 80 per cent are women.
Super carers are less likely to work than their peers – 38 per cent are employed full-time compared with a national average of 45 per cent – and subsequently a greater proportion of their income is derived from state benefits. Research shows that so-called dual-care giving often has a serious impact on the life of a carer, both physically and mentally. (The Telegraph)
Is this the sort of life we want to impose on our daughters, and sons, when we are elderly? Or should we all be planning ahead a little more for our old age?
I’ve met some wonderful people while my grandfather has been unwell. The ladies, and one man, who come to his home to help look after him are all very different characters but all are kind, thoughtful, dedicated and professional. One thing that amazes me is how low their rates of pay are – despite the overall cost to the ‘client’. Their work is physically and mentally demanding and requires high levels of responsibility, and yet they, and their work, seem to be grossly undervalued. According to an Equal Opportunities Commission report this could be driven by stereotypical ideas of women’s caring role.
I hope I haven’t painted too bleak a picture of the time I spend with my grandfather. It is hard work, and I do find it physically and mentally tiring but, on the other hand, it’s been a great opportunity to get to know him better. We’ve had some laughs, shared memories, and chatted away at 3am on many a night 
However, there are many people out there who are really struggling to cope with the care of their elderly parents or relatives and I think it’s up to us as individuals to try and prepare for our old age as much as we can, and up to us as a country to sort out the confusing and expensive muddle that is the care system for the elderly.
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13 Responses to Care of the elderly at home: are you prepared?
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Very thoughtful bog, Angela
My mother in law died last year, after living the last forty odd years of her life with MS. She was a very indpendent woman and fought hard not to be forced into a home when my husband was young. She insisted on living at home right until the end – the last few years she was bedbound. We tried to persuade her to move into a good residential home near where we live – she lived in the Midlands and we were down in Brighton. Everything was arranged and at the ;ast minute she refused to move – she wanted her independence, her home and her friends.
It wasn't easy although she had some very good care workers who really looked after her very well. I was appalled at how badly they were paid, and even worse when she died that they had no redundancy pay due to the terms of the contract with social services. We did what we could but it wasn't enough.
Ann
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I did the “double-carer” role for just 8 months as a only child/lone parent when my mother was dying and my son was a busy 12-yr-old. My mother was paraplegic for most of that time but I did have carers coming in once a day to wash her, etc. Even so I found it very wearing and since then have had even more respect for people who do that for years on end. It's an increasing problem, too, as our elderly population lives longer and longer. Very difficult – practically, financially and emotionally.
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Super carer is an understatement! these poor people must be frazzled caring for both kids and parents! I have no idea how they do it or how you do Angela, it's hard on everyone but like you say there are the precious memories that come with it
I know a lady who is about 60 and works part time, based at home, as a sort of transcription agency. She also cares for her mentally disabled brother of similar age and her two very frail parents. She has no life that does not involve medical appointments and soiled clothing. I have to say, I feel very sorry for her, and she is clearly very lonely – you can't stop her talking once she gets started, because she has been starved of communication for so long.
My Dad is 86 and in good health. He also lives on a remote island in Orkney. I am trying to persuade him to move nearer to the rest of the family (we're spread over Kent, Cheshire and Lancashire), because I'm very aware of how stuck he's going to be once his mobility goes. He seems to have no such awareness. I think he's planning on simply dropping down dead, like my mother did 7 years ago.
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Very well raised points Angela – and how right you are that we need to be more prepared. I've recently had a conversation with my parents about them moving closer as they are starting to feel more vulnerable and want to feel that they have support close by – and it starts to bring home how much needs to be done to facilitate more comfort for them as they get older.
I'm sure your Grandfather is incredibly aprreciative of such kind attention, it must be lonely and frightening without such support – and retaining some dignity under such circumstances is so very important. I too agree that carers are woefully underpaid and under-appreciated and I fear it will get worse as our population ages; as you say, we're not prepared for that at a public level.
It's always diffcult to predict the future. My mother has been increasingly disabled since she was in her late fifties, and divorced since she was 60. When I divorced I deliberately bought a house just over the road from her bunglaow so that I could do more for her as she deteriorated. This worked well for the years I was a “supercarer” (don't remember feeling very super – just shattered!) and being single mother to my own daughters, caring for Mum and running a business. My mother always has been, and still is, fiercely independent, so “caring” for her actually involved very little – taking a cooked meal across every evening and running errands etc.
However, I was always concerned that I would never be able to offer her 24 hour care when the time came she needed it, because I had to work in order to support my daughters. However, long before that happened I had to come out of the equation altogether when I became disabled myself. I arranged paid carers for Mum (who ironically I also had to use for a few months), and now the only support I can offer is to hobble over there and keep her company sometimes (no chore at all – she's great company, and it's as much for my benefit as hers).
She had always said the thing about going into a home as soon as she became a “burden” (which she never could be), but now she really ought to be in a home, or have 24 hour care of some description as she regularly falls and is in real danger of harming herself, she absolutely refuses even to discuss it. It's her choice, and I'm happy to go along with it, but my heart jumnps every time I get a call to say the carer has found my mother on the floor where she had fallen some hours previously (yes, she has an alarm to wear round her neck, no she never wears it). Other than calling her every half hour to check that she is OK (which she would hate) I have to honour that this risk is one she would rather take than give up her independence.
I find it very difficult to deal with the guilt of other (paid) people (strangers) now doing all the things for her that I'd always assumed I would, but my disability makes showering and drying myself difficult enough – it would be impossible to bend and do the same for her in her bath chair. I can't dry my own feet, let alone someone else's!
I still feel that I would rather go into a home when the time comes I need more care, rather than either my daughters feeling they should do it, or feeling guilty that paid carers are doing it. But who knows how I shall feel when the time comes?
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I was a 'sandwich' carer too. I took in my father-in-law after a stroke, while my son was a disabled toddler, legally blind and in and out of Gt Ormond St for eye ops. It was the end of my career and my marriage, my husband decamped due to the stress (we had no outside help) and then I was a single parent sandwich carer as I continued to care for his father and our son.
When my father-in-law died I was left with no income, no job and no self-respect. My physical and mental health deteriorated to the extent that I had a total breakdown and developed the ME that I still battle with daily and the years since have been spent trying to put a life back together.
I would never expect my son (or any future partner of his) to go through that hell and I don't actually think it's kind to the person requiring care either. No matter how much you love them you will be pulled in so many ways that life becomes almost impossible to enjoy. And someone who loves you then watches you suffering and knows they are the cause. That's not nice for them. This is why I don't think we should feel guilt for allowing others to do the caring, It is a job which can be done with professionalism and pride without feeling broken by the deterioration and lack of personal dignity they have to witness, if not involved by family ties and memories. (I have been a professional carer too, and it's much easier to do a grand job when you are not family.)
I do think we should feel guilt for the miserly way the care professionals are paid however, that's a whole different issue. I have told Ben to put me away as soon as I become a nuisance but to try and find a home that isn't smelly.
Will I think differently when the time comes? I do hope not, for his sake.
Thank you Angela for sharing with us
This is a very important subject that a lot of us find very difficult to talk about, as it requires a lot of thought and consideration, not just on our part, but also the impact it has on our families.
Due to volunteering at various luncheon clubs a while ago, my heart broke as many didn't have families they could ask for help, either due to family members dying before them, or families who choose to leave them for one reason or another. Some were very afraid, concerned if anyone would notice if they were in trouble …
Some elderly people I know have been heart broken, as they know they have to give up their precious homes to move nearer to their families, who have had to move due to work commitments etc… and we don't really see the impact this can have until we are in their shoes. Giving up their homes of memories, their places of safety… friends etc…
The other issue is not everyone has children, so they don't have this support system later in life, or some may have children, who live on the other side of the world, like my cousins.
The time, financial, emotional, physical issues that are connected with this sensitive subject is a hard one to talk about, but one we must consider seriously.
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Elder care should weave together a strong support network composed of local senior services, family, friends and professional caregiving companies. This will make things easier for the elderly.
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