This is a very important subject that a lot of us find very difficult to talk about, as it requires a lot of thought and consideration, not just on our part, but also the impact it has on our families.

Due to volunteering at various luncheon clubs a while ago, my heart broke as many didn't have families they could ask for help, either due to family members dying before them, or families who choose to leave them for one reason or another. Some were very afraid, concerned if anyone would notice if they were in trouble …

Some elderly people I know have been heart broken, as they know they have to give up their precious homes to move nearer to their families, who have had to move due to work commitments etc… and we don't really see the impact this can have until we are in their shoes. Giving up their homes of memories, their places of safety… friends etc…

The other issue is not everyone has children, so they don't have this support system later in life, or some may have children, who live on the other side of the world, like my cousins.

The time, financial, emotional, physical issues that are connected with this sensitive subject is a hard one to talk about, but one we must consider seriously.
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When my father-in-law died I was left with no income, no job and no self-respect. My physical and mental health deteriorated to the extent that I had a total breakdown and developed the ME that I still battle with daily and the years since have been spent trying to put a life back together.

I would never expect my son (or any future partner of his) to go through that hell and I don't actually think it's kind to the person requiring care either. No matter how much you love them you will be pulled in so many ways that life becomes almost impossible to enjoy. And someone who loves you then watches you suffering and knows they are the cause. That's not nice for them. This is why I don't think we should feel guilt for allowing others to do the caring, It is a job which can be done with professionalism and pride without feeling broken by the deterioration and lack of personal dignity they have to witness, if not involved by family ties and memories. (I have been a professional carer too, and it's much easier to do a grand job when you are not family.)

I do think we should feel guilt for the miserly way the care professionals are paid however, that's a whole different issue. I have told Ben to put me away as soon as I become a nuisance but to try and find a home that isn't smelly. Will I think differently when the time comes? I do hope not, for his sake.

However, I was always concerned that I would never be able to offer her 24 hour care when the time came she needed it, because I had to work in order to support my daughters. However, long before that happened I had to come out of the equation altogether when I became disabled myself. I arranged paid carers for Mum (who ironically I also had to use for a few months), and now the only support I can offer is to hobble over there and keep her company sometimes (no chore at all – she's great company, and it's as much for my benefit as hers).

She had always said the thing about going into a home as soon as she became a “burden” (which she never could be), but now she really ought to be in a home, or have 24 hour care of some description as she regularly falls and is in real danger of harming herself, she absolutely refuses even to discuss it. It's her choice, and I'm happy to go along with it, but my heart jumnps every time I get a call to say the carer has found my mother on the floor where she had fallen some hours previously (yes, she has an alarm to wear round her neck, no she never wears it). Other than calling her every half hour to check that she is OK (which she would hate) I have to honour that this risk is one she would rather take than give up her independence.

I find it very difficult to deal with the guilt of other (paid) people (strangers) now doing all the things for her that I'd always assumed I would, but my disability makes showering and drying myself difficult enough – it would be impossible to bend and do the same for her in her bath chair. I can't dry my own feet, let alone someone else's!

I still feel that I would rather go into a home when the time comes I need more care, rather than either my daughters feeling they should do it, or feeling guilty that paid carers are doing it. But who knows how I shall feel when the time comes?
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I'm sure your Grandfather is incredibly aprreciative of such kind attention, it must be lonely and frightening without such support – and retaining some dignity under such circumstances is so very important. I too agree that carers are woefully underpaid and under-appreciated and I fear it will get worse as our population ages; as you say, we're not prepared for that at a public level.

My Dad is 86 and in good health. He also lives on a remote island in Orkney. I am trying to persuade him to move nearer to the rest of the family (we're spread over Kent, Cheshire and Lancashire), because I'm very aware of how stuck he's going to be once his mobility goes. He seems to have no such awareness. I think he's planning on simply dropping down dead, like my mother did 7 years ago.