Guestblog: Fifty, The New Forty? Never!!
If Fifty is the new Forty I thank goodness that my children are old enough to fend for themselves!
At Forty I was a capable clear headed multi-tasker! With numerous pairs of hands that Edward Scissorhands would have been proud of! I had confidence by the bucket load, energy that could fuel a nuclear power station and the organisational skills of a seasoned events manager!!!
Where did it all go????
As I approached my Fiftieth birthday I was convinced my body had been taken over by an alien life force and turned into someone I don’t recognise. Where did I go? When did it happen? Who is this stranger I come face to face with every morning? Don’t ask me because I can’t remember!!!
Another joke these aliens play on you is to turn your once clear thinking brain into a thick fog of forgetfulness! Sadly those spontaneous trips to the shops have now been replaced by a “list”.
Oh I do miss those once carefree “listless” shopping trips, being seduced by the “Bog Offs” (buy one get one free) now I just stand there unable to make such big decisions.
How would we as busy Mums ever have managed without the car? School runs, taxi service,day trips, shopping trips with friends to new and exiting places. My friend and I regularly did a “Thelma & Louise” and drove off into the sunset searching out never before visited shops and restaurants for a “girlie lunch”.
Those carefree motoring days have now been replaced with regular BBC weather watching to make sure the roads wont be too wet, dry, icy, blocked by fallen trees, high wind, flooding!!! Is the road closed? blocked? diverted? roadworks? Will I have to go on the motorway? will it be dark?……..is there somewhere to park?… The list is endless!
Trips out now have to be planned with military precision.
Why is that just when the children are speeding headlong into adulthood and that once precious commodity called “Time” gets given to you as a welcome gift you haven’t a clue what to do with it! That job you have been dragging yourself to everyday in order to pay the university fees has become so dull and boring you feel sure a change of career is what you need but you haven’t any idea where to begin to find one that suits you!
After another restless night tossing and turning and throwing the covers off then dragging them back on. I have come up with a new and exciting money making career for myself…….I am now Kent’s official one woman eco system, I have my very own internal combustion engine that can throw off enough heat to keep 3 hospitals, 2 housing estates and 1 old people’s home warm for the whole of the winter. I am now producing so much free heat I am thinking of selling it back to British Gas!!!….think of the money I could make.
It’s a whole new meaning to being “hot in bed”.
I feel it my duty as a mature woman, wife, and mother to sit my daughter down and talk to her about that totally taboo subject of how the whole of your body from your head to your toes changes as you reach Fifty! I know it is a very delicate subject and one that will I am sure will strike fear in all young women but trust me you need to be warned!
My once flowing locks of blonde loveliness have been replaced overnight by a dry tumble weed mass of thin hair that sticks up in every direction! Some have mistaken me for “Granddad” from the hit television programme “Bread”.
Roots are not a vegetable in this house – they are a must have hair treatment!
Our male friends have stopped coming to the house for fear of a stray blonde hair attaching itself to their jumper /jacket – accusations of “affairs” have been rife!
Eye shadow in my younger days was a must have.
I had every colour you could think of…..
…from pink to bright blue; no colour from the spectrum was excluded! My black liquid eye liner was precision straight! My lashes were luscious, long black and jersey cow-like….
My lovely bovine-like eyes have been replaced by two hoods! (I feel sure I would be arrested in a shopping centre and have an asbo placed on me should I now dare to enter). Applying eye shadow is now like trying to use a paint brush through a letter box!
My failing eyesight can no longer give me a ruler straight line on my lids and mascara now makes me look as if I have a large squashed spider dying behind my glasses!
I can remember my Mum laughing and telling me the story of how I looked at her and thought she had “Ducks Feet” not “Crows Feet” well out of the mouths of babes……….. I now officially have my own duck pond!
I have spent years waxing, shaving, legs, armpits, bikini line, eye brows, always maintaining a neatly well manicured garden! I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would at Fifty have to now start waxing and plucking…… my face!!!!!. I now have thick black spiky hairs growing on my upper lip and chin!
This is where a daughter really comes into her own…….she is now my official facial hair plucker! I am so lucky that she is the one that spots that long hair that you have missed when you are trying to look cool and trendy in a wine bar! That one, long escapee that hangs from your chin when you are silhouetted against the window! We have devised a secret hand movement only known to mother and daughter to alert me that my fast growing beard needs taming.
Breasts have always been a bit of a mystery to me! My genes dictated that I would never be blessed with a page 3 girls figure and have had to make do with the kind of boobs that saying was coined for “more than a handful is a waste”
I have worn every new invention the bra world has had to offer and can only remember two occasions in my life when I had a bosom and that was when I was pregnant.
Larger ladies have always been advised to wear proper supporting bra’s warning that in later life they may sag and lose elasticity! Trust me………….. no matter what size or shape your breast’s are once you reach Fifty they all sag!!!
My pert little peaches are now more squashed plums. When did the demolition company call and flatten them?
Are you an apple or a pear? Good question! I have never been much of a fruit lover so how I morphed into an apple is a mystery. That band of girth around my middle is growing daily! Keeping it tamed inside my sensible knickers is becoming a daily task. Why is it that you just can’t find the right knickers at Fifty?
This talk of underwear brings me onto the very delicate subject of our lady gardens!
Believe me when I tell you that a prolapsed pelvic floor is like a hotel with the lift broken and you got the penthouse suite on the top floor. Having babies does nothing for your lift shaft and you will need to get it regularly maintained. I had set up a maintenance contract but unfortunately mine has expired and is now leaking water!!!! Every laugh, cough, hiccup, run – I get a reminder that the tap is dripping and the washer needs replacing….
Sexy stilettos and platform shoes used to always be my mode of transport. Elton John style platforms were the uniform of us Saturday night disco divas progressing on to six inch stilettos when a new boyfriend appeared on the scene. We danced all night without so much as a blister, bunion, hard skin or hammer toe.
Chiropody was for old people, flat shoes were for wimps! We borrowed friends shoes, wore any styles we liked! Then you got married and your heels lowered to a sensible height, gone were your sexy stilettos and platforms, in came your fluffy slippers.
Motherhood arrived along with the “Flats”. After years of abuse and neglect shoes don’t fit any more. Where you had arches you now have collapsed bridges. Hard skin is thickly layoured on the soles of your feet and bunions scream out in over tight shoes. You used to be able to reach your toe nails to trim them but have now resorted to asking your loved one to help you reach!!!!!!!
You can drool over a pair of Manolo Blaniks but know in your heart you could never wear them. You slip on a pair of Clarkes and feel and hear your feet say “ahhhhhhhh!
Your slippers are now your new best friends.
You know life (and the aliens) may well have stolen what was once quiet an acceptable body (even though I say it myself). No, I don’t now ever get wolf whistles when I pass a building site or get a bit of a knowing glance from someone across a crowded room but I do have something that is far more powerful than any good looks can give you and that’s………..a voice!!!
I am now the underdogs champion! I am the official fighter of fighters! I sign petitions for any worthy cause, I write letters to the local papers demanding they don’t close the local loos! I send letters to M&S complaining of short sell by dates, I shout at the news man on the TV and debate any newsworthy issues from the papers! I now have something that you can’t buy, bottle or be taught at a university – I have power and strength and Experience!
More power and strength than any pair of spanx pants/skyscraper heels or multi-lash mascara can give you! More experience about life, its loves, tragedies and hardships! Yes I have wrinkles, saggy boobs greying hair and glasses but I also have something that is very precious
I have life!…
…..if only I could remember where I left it!
Sally can be found on twitter @SallyHowellB and baking the world’s most delicious cupcakes at The Kent Cupcake Bakery
About Sarah ArrowSarah Arrow is the managing editor of Birds on the Blog, in real life she is the communications director of a same day courier service. She is an enthusiastic UK based pro-blogger and co- author of the soon to be published Zero to Blogger
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22 Responses to Guestblog: Fifty, The New Forty? Never!!
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Yes! Yes! Yes! All I can tell you is, things will get better because by sixty you don’t care!!!
Yes! Yes! Yes! All I can tell you is, things will get better because by sixty you don’t care!!!
Wonderful post, Sally – sooo true. But there are some advantages, as this list (sent to me a while back by a friend) points out:
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 55:
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 5:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the musac in lifts.
15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
16. Your investment in private health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Met Office.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can’t remember who sent you this!
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
Dear Suzan
So glad you liked the post…it was written totally from experience. Loved your reply!
Sally
x
Wonderful post, Sally – sooo true. But there are some advantages, as this list (sent to me a while back by a friend) points out:
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 55:
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 5:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the musac in lifts.
15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
16. Your investment in private health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Met Office.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can’t remember who sent you this!
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
Dear Suzan
So glad you liked the post…it was written totally from experience. Loved your reply!
Sally
x
Thanks, Sally – I would say that approaching 50 might now be more worrying than it was before reading this, but obviously I’ll forget anyway so can merrily approach the milestone in my usual Pollyanna fashion.
This was a treat of a read.
And at the end there I wanted to burst into song – a la Nina Simone!
Twitter: babssaul
Thanks, Sally – I would say that approaching 50 might now be more worrying than it was before reading this, but obviously I’ll forget anyway so can merrily approach the milestone in my usual Pollyanna fashion.
This was a treat of a read.
And at the end there I wanted to burst into song – a la Nina Simone!
Twitter: babssaul
When I turned 50 I decided I wanted a t shirt that said,
“I’m 50. I can do anything!”
Never got it, but the sentiment remained. Now, I’m taking all the liberties a younger age would have made impossible – like speaking my mind and putting – figuratively – my feet on the table. And who cares if they are in Blahniks or Clarks, ladies.
Eyeshadow? Let the young ones have itchy eyes without being able to wipe them – we can rub our eyes all we like.
Double chocolate cheesecake, anyone? And a brandy to round it off?
When I turned 50 I decided I wanted a t shirt that said,
“I’m 50. I can do anything!”
Never got it, but the sentiment remained. Now, I’m taking all the liberties a younger age would have made impossible – like speaking my mind and putting – figuratively – my feet on the table. And who cares if they are in Blahniks or Clarks, ladies.
Eyeshadow? Let the young ones have itchy eyes without being able to wipe them – we can rub our eyes all we like.
Double chocolate cheesecake, anyone? And a brandy to round it off?
Just about to turn 50 next month. Been there and done most of that already, so I really identified with this post.
Spent most of my life raising and homeschooling 5 kids, and helping with my husband’s business. In some ways it feels like MY life is just beginning. Looking forward to it!
Just about to turn 50 next month. Been there and done most of that already, so I really identified with this post.
Spent most of my life raising and homeschooling 5 kids, and helping with my husband’s business. In some ways it feels like MY life is just beginning. Looking forward to it!
A great read to set me up for the day Sally, enhanced by Suze’s list (what did it say again…
) and Ruth’s wonderful one-liner!
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
A great read to set me up for the day Sally, enhanced by Suze’s list (what did it say again…
) and Ruth’s wonderful one-liner!
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
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This made me laugh so much! Love the description of planning road routes and pulling out those stray hairs. I don’t know if it’s an age thing. I’m still in my thirties (just!) but having children seems to have taken away many of my decision making abilities. Large decisions I can do; those BOGOFs you mention I dither over for hours. And my hair looks just like yours in the morning! Thank you for a bright start to the day.
This made me laugh so much! Love the description of planning road routes and pulling out those stray hairs. I don’t know if it’s an age thing. I’m still in my thirties (just!) but having children seems to have taken away many of my decision making abilities. Large decisions I can do; those BOGOFs you mention I dither over for hours. And my hair looks just like yours in the morning! Thank you for a bright start to the day.
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What an hilarious, honest and brave piece Sally! Fabulous!
What an hilarious, honest and brave piece Sally! Fabulous!