Guest Blog: What makes a woman, a woman?
If you’re reading this I hope you’re sitting comfortably as I’ve been hearing rumours that we need to look at what being a woman really is and from here on in, it just might get a bit more uncomfortable, or maybe not!
Ok, so if you don’t have legs offering 88 inches of therapy then you can’t be Julia Roberts, can you? Now there’s a fine figure of a woman, don’t you think? For a while I wondered if having short legs was an issue – did it make me more of a duck than a woman?
Then I remembered that I’d had 44 inches elsewhere at one time and that didn’t help make me a woman either.
Adopting roles doesn’t make us any more of a woman – I’ve been a wife – that didn’t work, a mother – that’s not it either, a daughter – definitely not. Secretary, working on the farm, therapist, sales, marketing – nope none of them made me feel more like a woman.
Fishnet stockings – didn’t work either – not because I had to tuck them under my arms (remember my legs are very short) but because I felt tarty rather than sexy. High heels work to a degree as do dresses but not skirts.
I’ve tried knitting and baking – not at the same time obviously.
I like doing both but it doesn’t make me feel more of a woman. Long baths don’t cut the mustard either. Diamonds, yes I like them, but they don’t cut to the chase.
What is it that makes a woman a woman? What does a real woman look like and what does she do? I’ve had exhausting late night conversations about this very subject and still can’t find the mould. I conclude therefore like all other things human – It’s individual!
There have been too many stereotypes, there is too little self confidence and belief, there is an image of beauty and perfection. As a gender we tend to be extremely self critical.
Some of the words we attribute to being a woman are open to interpretation and I know that many of my clients have floundered and fought against the word feminine. Their feeling was that it was flowery, pink, weak and girly and it didn’t reflect the woman they were – someone strong, capable, holding down a good job, multi-tasking, being mother, wife, executive and all else on demand.
The trouble was that they were so good at being so complete, as and of themselves, that they forgot they as a person existed. This has been one of the major societal changes in the last 50 years, the emergence of women who have had to ‘fight’ for it all, got it all and have exhausted and lost themselves in the process.
It’s interesting to me to see strong capable women recognise that in fact they just want a hug, and to be loved and cared for, to see them recognise that it’s not weak, it’s not flowery or pink, it’s just being vulnerable and vulnerability and willingness to show our true selves makes us who we are.
The change we women now need to create is that of inter-dependent relationships with our menfolk – this is true both at work and at home. Women will have to orchestrate the change as they were the ones who made many of the guys become confused souls who couldn’t get it right no matter what they did – hunter gatherers became tasked with emotions and non traditional male roles were meted out to them.
I’m rather in awe of the fact that guys seem to do what they’re told and we women really have to begin to respect and be aware of the power that we can band about.
If we are to expect to have inter-dependent relationships – the stage I feel we’re at, then as women we have to learn to lead the way, to show our vulnerability, to demonstrate that we still feel and can hurt, to ask for help, to listen and correct the way we behave. We must lead by example and we’ve got to learn to admit when something isn’t working for us.
Being a woman is nothing to do with our roles or what we look like, it’s to do with our hearts and what we give out … and man, we’ve got a lot of loving to do! That’s what makes a woman a woman 
Jackie
@JackieWalker can be followed on twitter as well as her excellent relationships, advice and lifestyle blog
About Sarah ArrowSarah Arrow is the managing editor of Birds on the Blog, in real life she is the communications director of a same day courier service. She is an enthusiastic UK based pro-blogger and co- author of the soon to be published Zero to Blogger
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23 Responses to Guest Blog: What makes a woman, a woman?
All that jazz – All in A Day
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So, it’s NOT sugar and spice, then – do we lose that bit as we grow up
?
Seriously: Thought provoking post, Jackie. Thanks
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
Oh heavens I hope not Linda, I like a bit of sugar and spice too!
Twitter: jackiewalker
So, it’s NOT sugar and spice, then – do we lose that bit as we grow up
?
Seriously: Thought provoking post, Jackie. Thanks
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
Oh heavens I hope not Linda, I like a bit of sugar and spice too!
Twitter: jackiewalker
Don’t women just have to be good human beings?
I think you said it yourself…”The trouble was that they were so good at being so complete, as and of themselves, that they forgot they, as a person, existed.”
I am 60 and I was lucky enough to grow up in a generation which regarded women as people first, their gender later when, and if, it really mattered. I am not sure this exists in the same way today?
Your conclusion seems to apply to everyone, whatever or whoever they are. If we have to think about what makes a woman a woman, haven’t we failed to honour the progress we have made as a society?
Twitter: jeremy_dent
Objectively yes, I totally agree. I based my article on the work I’ve done with scores of women over the last 4 years – and reckoned that if they were a sample of the female population in general then there might be others who had self esteem issues based on looks, roles, relationships and a myriad of other wonderfully female techniques used to do ourselves down!
Twitter: jackiewalker
Don’t women just have to be good human beings?
I think you said it yourself…”The trouble was that they were so good at being so complete, as and of themselves, that they forgot they, as a person, existed.”
I am 60 and I was lucky enough to grow up in a generation which regarded women as people first, their gender later when, and if, it really mattered. I am not sure this exists in the same way today?
Your conclusion seems to apply to everyone, whatever or whoever they are. If we have to think about what makes a woman a woman, haven’t we failed to honour the progress we have made as a society?
Twitter: jeremy_dent
Objectively yes, I totally agree. I based my article on the work I’ve done with scores of women over the last 4 years – and reckoned that if they were a sample of the female population in general then there might be others who had self esteem issues based on looks, roles, relationships and a myriad of other wonderfully female techniques used to do ourselves down!
Twitter: jackiewalker
I’m with Jeremy on this one. I don’t think there is that much difference between men and women, at least not on that level.
I was raised by my father, who was a kind and loving man. He was awarded custody of me back in 1960, when it was really quite unusual. My birth mother and my stepmother were neither of them cut out for the traditional maternal role, and I am thankful to have had a father who was capable of making up for that. So I’ve never believed this idea that men aren’t up to the task of parenting, or that women are automatically more nurturing.
I think we do both genders a disservice when we divide certain behaviours and emotions into male and female.
In general I think there are more differences between individuals that between genders.
Dividing the genders
My children are also being raised, in the main, by their father. Not because I don’t have a maternal instinct, but because it was the right thing for me to do by them at the time of separation.
It’s important for both genders to be able to flex between what once upon a time were atypical male and female emotions.
I’ve seen too many people stuck with limited access to their emotions – something men used to be less good at and women have caught up with. Yes, I’ve generalised and also concluded ‘It’s individual’!
Twitter: jackiewalker
Coming late to this discussion (only just found it!), I would agree with Ann. I love my children dearly, but I am not a mumsy maternal mother, and hugs are not a major activity in this house. But my children know they are loved and are affectionate with me.
The problem is that when they were born, my (late) husband provided most of the maternal input, because that was much more his style. He would be the one to get up in the night for them or to cuddle them if they were upset, not me. In fact, if I’m honest, we only had children because he wanted them – I’d have been happy to continue as a couple.
So when Brian died, the boys effectively lost not one but two parents – their father and also the maternal care he provided. For a long time, this bothered me, because I could not become that maternal or nurturing person, as it was against my nature. However, we three have adapted well to our changed situation and the boys just accept that maybe they are brought up by a different kind of mother than their friends are!
I’m with Jeremy on this one. I don’t think there is that much difference between men and women, at least not on that level.
I was raised by my father, who was a kind and loving man. He was awarded custody of me back in 1960, when it was really quite unusual. My birth mother and my stepmother were neither of them cut out for the traditional maternal role, and I am thankful to have had a father who was capable of making up for that. So I’ve never believed this idea that men aren’t up to the task of parenting, or that women are automatically more nurturing.
I think we do both genders a disservice when we divide certain behaviours and emotions into male and female.
In general I think there are more differences between individuals that between genders.
Dividing the genders
My children are also being raised, in the main, by their father. Not because I don’t have a maternal instinct, but because it was the right thing for me to do by them at the time of separation.
It’s important for both genders to be able to flex between what once upon a time were atypical male and female emotions.
I’ve seen too many people stuck with limited access to their emotions – something men used to be less good at and women have caught up with. Yes, I’ve generalised and also concluded ‘It’s individual’!
Twitter: jackiewalker
I have never thought of myself as specifically being a woman, just as being a human being.
One of the things that my parents instilled in my was I could do whatever I wanted, so long as I worked hard to achieve it, gender wasn’t an issue – if it was I was never aware of it.
I still don’t think of myself as a woman, I just think of myself as a person, with kids and rotties.
My father definitely instilled the ‘can do’ attitude and I guess I was very aware of the gender differences from an early age – my brothers went to an all boys school and I attended an all girls.
I find that it isn’t in education or work that the women I’ve met have had their issues, it’s been their relationships and home life.
Twitter: jackiewalker
I have never thought of myself as specifically being a woman, just as being a human being.
One of the things that my parents instilled in my was I could do whatever I wanted, so long as I worked hard to achieve it, gender wasn’t an issue – if it was I was never aware of it.
I still don’t think of myself as a woman, I just think of myself as a person, with kids and rotties.
My father definitely instilled the ‘can do’ attitude and I guess I was very aware of the gender differences from an early age – my brothers went to an all boys school and I attended an all girls.
I find that it isn’t in education or work that the women I’ve met have had their issues, it’s been their relationships and home life.
Twitter: jackiewalker
I agree with the views of others that we are all individuals, and different from each other in many ways. There are strong confident women, and shy men with low self esteem.
What concerns me ‘tho, is that society doesn’t treat us as equal individuals regardless of gender. We will be assigned characteristics or traits which seek to legitimise different (and adverse) treatment. Hence why women are paid less for the same work. And why women who don’t take full time care responsibility for their children (like Jackie) will generally be looked down on much more than a man in the same position would.
What makes a woman a woman is the same as what makes a man a man. Socialisation, conditioning, upbringing, culture, expectations and a whole host of other things, a well as the biological aspects (which do also play a part).
Twitter: evenbreak
As you say Jane, expectations, whether of society, upbringing, culture etc play a huge part on how we look at ourselves and other people.
Creating a healthy self esteem and self worth is something which many people miss having instilled in them from an early age – more’s the pity.
Twitter: jackiewalker
I agree with the views of others that we are all individuals, and different from each other in many ways. There are strong confident women, and shy men with low self esteem.
What concerns me ‘tho, is that society doesn’t treat us as equal individuals regardless of gender. We will be assigned characteristics or traits which seek to legitimise different (and adverse) treatment. Hence why women are paid less for the same work. And why women who don’t take full time care responsibility for their children (like Jackie) will generally be looked down on much more than a man in the same position would.
What makes a woman a woman is the same as what makes a man a man. Socialisation, conditioning, upbringing, culture, expectations and a whole host of other things, a well as the biological aspects (which do also play a part).
Twitter: evenbreak
As you say Jane, expectations, whether of society, upbringing, culture etc play a huge part on how we look at ourselves and other people.
Creating a healthy self esteem and self worth is something which many people miss having instilled in them from an early age – more’s the pity.
Twitter: jackiewalker
The dictionary definition is an adult female, taking from that, women are the survival of the human race, in as much as men are, but with the extras.
Quite a cherished gift we have been given which I believe deserves looking after, the power to grow life.
Of course in the modern world we are further removed from the origins of woman, yet we still have an essential role in life that is unique to us.
The dictionary definition is an adult female, taking from that, women are the survival of the human race, in as much as men are, but with the extras.
Quite a cherished gift we have been given which I believe deserves looking after, the power to grow life.
Of course in the modern world we are further removed from the origins of woman, yet we still have an essential role in life that is unique to us.