Guestblog: Has Feminism Gone Too Far?
Today, we welcome Maggie a member of the Birds community and this is her first guest post for us
Thanks Maggie.
Now before you all jump down my throat and point out that the glass ceiling and the gender wage gap both still exist, I realise that. What I’m talking about is not inequality in the workplace, but rather our attitude to men, specifically our attitude to our partners.
Now I don’t know if my husband is a new man; to the best of my knowledge he’s still the same old one I married twelve years ago. Despite being self-sufficient around the house when I met him, he rarely cooks nor does he do laundry or ironing. However, he does do the washing up, he vacuums and, as we both work from home, he makes me numerous cups of tea and coffee throughout the day, all on top of working full-time.
When I posted as my status on Facebook something to the effect of how much I appreciated him, one friend made the comment “Oh pass me a bucket, I’m going to be sick.” I realise her comment was made in jest, but why did she feel it was necessary to make it at all? What is this problem we seem to have with stating our appreciation in public?
It seems to me that in recent years there is a subtle and tacit agreement that it is not only okay but almost obligatory to say derogatory things about our partners when talking to other women. I know we all need a bit of a whinge now and again to vent, but the culture has gone too far the other way so that belittling our menfolk is now the norm.
One acquaintance was heard to comment “Oh well he’s looked after the children for me tonight, I suppose I’ll have to have sex with him now.” Another friend was out with girlfriends who were whinging about their other halves, when one asked her why she didn’t join in. Before she could answer another retorted snidely “Oh, we all know her husband’s bloody perfect.” Finally one very good, but slightly mad, friend of mine, not content with threatening to bury her own husband under the patio was offering to rent out space under there to all her other friends too!
Obviously there are some relationships where a woman has very real reason to complain, but I would guess that actually women in abusive relationships are the women least likely to say anything bad about their partners. The rest of us may not have perfect relationships, but those relationships certainly aren’t going to get any better if all we do is focus on our partner’s perceived ineptitude.
So just for today, ladies, do me a favour. If you have a partner, turn round and pay him a compliment; think of one thing that you appreciate about him and tell him.
And then tell the rest of us what it is that you appreciate about him.
Maggie
Maggie is found on twitter as @maggieberney and is a chocoholic, VA, wife, mother and allotment holder in no particular order 
About Sarah ArrowSarah Arrow is the managing editor of Birds on the Blog, in real life she is the communications director of a same day courier service. She is an enthusiastic UK based pro-blogger and co- author of the soon to be published Zero to Blogger
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25 Responses to Guestblog: Has Feminism Gone Too Far?
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Maggie, you’re so right! I’ve got the credentials to say it up front because I was responsible for implementing Equal Opportunities legislation back in the late 70s when feminism actually meant something. (Mind you, I sometimes wonder why we bothered.)
The almost obligatory habit of slagging off one’s other half when with a group of female friends has always puzzled me and I’ve never done it. If a group of guys talked about their wives like that we’d all be up in arms. Nobody’s perfect but the group ‘dissing’ isn’t big and it isn’t clever. Ladies, if your bloke is that bad, find a better one – they are out there but maybe take a long look at yourself first. If the vase is broken it’s no good just putting fresh flowers in it – they’ll still die.
Ann, I love that phrase
If the vase is broken it’s no good just putting fresh flowers in it – they’ll still die.
That’s so right, I spent many years bitching about my first husband as I didn’t know what to do with him – divorce him? get him therapy? get ME therapy? Venting was my way of getting rid of a troublesome problem.
@Maggie the patio was starting to look like a very good option!
Now my beloved Kev, he isn’t without faults (but hey, who is?) but I don’t have to grouse about him, I quite possibly don’t praise him enough.
Maggie, you’re so right! I’ve got the credentials to say it up front because I was responsible for implementing Equal Opportunities legislation back in the late 70s when feminism actually meant something. (Mind you, I sometimes wonder why we bothered.)
The almost obligatory habit of slagging off one’s other half when with a group of female friends has always puzzled me and I’ve never done it. If a group of guys talked about their wives like that we’d all be up in arms. Nobody’s perfect but the group ‘dissing’ isn’t big and it isn’t clever. Ladies, if your bloke is that bad, find a better one – they are out there but maybe take a long look at yourself first. If the vase is broken it’s no good just putting fresh flowers in it – they’ll still die.
Ann, I love that phrase
If the vase is broken it’s no good just putting fresh flowers in it – they’ll still die.
That’s so right, I spent many years bitching about my first husband as I didn’t know what to do with him – divorce him? get him therapy? get ME therapy? Venting was my way of getting rid of a troublesome problem.
@Maggie the patio was starting to look like a very good option!
Now my beloved Kev, he isn’t without faults (but hey, who is?) but I don’t have to grouse about him, I quite possibly don’t praise him enough.
Hmm, I don’t think feminism has gone too far… depending on which particular definition of feminism we are talking about. Women still do the majority of the world’s work for a tiny proportion of the world’s wealth for instance.
Course as an old fashioned rat bag feminist myself, I don’t really believe there are all that many differences between men and women – apart from the obvious biological. We are the same species after all – and there are far more differences between individuals than genders. I’m fairly logical and rational, for instance – and when I need to check out something for an emotionally intelligent view I have to ask my husband – who is much brighter in that area than I am…
What I would say is women have been bought off, if you like – by being allowed to generally to be derogatory about men
It tends to come through in advertising and the media too – this way that men are rubbished over all kinds of things like not being able to multi task – or perhaps one of the worst, in my view – is this whole thing about “man flu” – which I personally find deeply objectionable – as if any illness comes down to some kind fo competition about who suffers worse and who can handle it better. Ridiculous.
There’s also a line of course – where sometimes it is truly intended in a light hearted way and is just part of the general give and take – and joking about how bad husbands are can often be done just to fit in with the crowd – it’s a way of avoiding playing that kind of status game where you’re saying, I’m married to Mr Perfect.
Which of course, you aren’t, as I am
I hadn’t thought about it in that light before, Ann, but I think you’re right that women have been ‘bought off’.
I believe they have shown that there are differences between the sexes, in that ‘male’ brains work differently to ‘female’ brains, but as with all these things there is a spectrum and some women have male brains and vice versa. It’s from this that some of the stereotypes arise, but which have now been taken to an extreme.
Hmm, I don’t think feminism has gone too far… depending on which particular definition of feminism we are talking about. Women still do the majority of the world’s work for a tiny proportion of the world’s wealth for instance.
Course as an old fashioned rat bag feminist myself, I don’t really believe there are all that many differences between men and women – apart from the obvious biological. We are the same species after all – and there are far more differences between individuals than genders. I’m fairly logical and rational, for instance – and when I need to check out something for an emotionally intelligent view I have to ask my husband – who is much brighter in that area than I am…
What I would say is women have been bought off, if you like – by being allowed to generally to be derogatory about men
It tends to come through in advertising and the media too – this way that men are rubbished over all kinds of things like not being able to multi task – or perhaps one of the worst, in my view – is this whole thing about “man flu” – which I personally find deeply objectionable – as if any illness comes down to some kind fo competition about who suffers worse and who can handle it better. Ridiculous.
There’s also a line of course – where sometimes it is truly intended in a light hearted way and is just part of the general give and take – and joking about how bad husbands are can often be done just to fit in with the crowd – it’s a way of avoiding playing that kind of status game where you’re saying, I’m married to Mr Perfect.
Which of course, you aren’t, as I am
I hadn’t thought about it in that light before, Ann, but I think you’re right that women have been ‘bought off’.
I believe they have shown that there are differences between the sexes, in that ‘male’ brains work differently to ‘female’ brains, but as with all these things there is a spectrum and some women have male brains and vice versa. It’s from this that some of the stereotypes arise, but which have now been taken to an extreme.
Well, Maggie, as you’ve just fed me my dinner and I’m in your house, I had the opportunity to vent about Mike in person, so now I’m reduced to saying nice things about him on BOTB. So your evil plan succeeded, hahahahah *evil grin*
What can I say? If I have any kind of a logistical problem, I know I can ask him for help, and he will always come to my aid, regardless of how busy he is. He is the kindest man I know, and he will even take my call when he’s in a meeting (even if it’s only to say he’s in a meeting and will call back).
I have a big issue with being able to trust a man, which he and I discussed only yesterday. It’s not because I have any history which makes it difficult for me, but I can’t have a relationship with a man to whom I cannot bare my soul. It’s about being able to be vulnerable. I could do that with my late husband, and I can do it with Mike.
And all I need to say about my husband is he’s just gone out to the local supermarket to buy us all calorie-rich chocolate pudding when I realised the cupboard was bare!
Can I just say, I love your husband! Couldn’t live with him, but I do love his willingness to go and shop for us
It was a yummy chocolate pudding as well.
Well, Maggie, as you’ve just fed me my dinner and I’m in your house, I had the opportunity to vent about Mike in person, so now I’m reduced to saying nice things about him on BOTB. So your evil plan succeeded, hahahahah *evil grin*
What can I say? If I have any kind of a logistical problem, I know I can ask him for help, and he will always come to my aid, regardless of how busy he is. He is the kindest man I know, and he will even take my call when he’s in a meeting (even if it’s only to say he’s in a meeting and will call back).
I have a big issue with being able to trust a man, which he and I discussed only yesterday. It’s not because I have any history which makes it difficult for me, but I can’t have a relationship with a man to whom I cannot bare my soul. It’s about being able to be vulnerable. I could do that with my late husband, and I can do it with Mike.
And all I need to say about my husband is he’s just gone out to the local supermarket to buy us all calorie-rich chocolate pudding when I realised the cupboard was bare!
Can I just say, I love your husband! Couldn’t live with him, but I do love his willingness to go and shop for us
It was a yummy chocolate pudding as well.
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What’s happened to the blog????!!!!! I preferred the previous format.
It’s being revamped so it’s easier to search and find posts, today is maintainance day
so what you are seeing now, is not the end version.
Yes, realised that. Am happy the various right hand menus are still there. Thanks.
What’s happened to the blog????!!!!! I preferred the previous format.
It’s being revamped so it’s easier to search and find posts, today is maintainance day
so what you are seeing now, is not the end version.
Yes, realised that. Am happy the various right hand menus are still there. Thanks.
As another old fashioned, rat bag feminist, I was tempted over here by my indignation at the title. Like Ann I definitely don’t think feminism has gone too far. I think age has a lot to do with that (with apologies to Ann, if she’s younger than I think!). I can remember when women needed a male guarantor for a bank loan, when female teachers lost their jobs if they got married … and when I first started work we weren’t allowed to wear trousers (if you were female it had to be a skirt).
In spite of the well known feminist phrase “the personal is political”, I don’t think what Maggie is talking about actually has anything much to do with feminism. Do you think that what many lesbians, or gay men, say about their partners would be any different? I don’t. It’s just human nature to moan.
I used to bitch about my husband sometimes – without losing sight of his good points – but I came up with what – to me – is the ideal solution. Do without a husband. I’d like to singe the praises of a single life.
I agree. It’s common for couples to moan about their partners, of either gender. I don’t think this is about feminism, it’s about relationships generally, which are often built on teasing and joking. Sometimes the moaning might be a release for real dissatisfaction, but I’ve heard just as many men criticise their wives as women criticise their husbands – and yes, same sex couples criticse each other too!
I remember my husband saying if the time came where I stopped feeling able to tease him (and vice versa) we would know there was a real problem. That day came, and I’d also like to sing the praises of single life! And of a life as a couple, so long as both are free to praise and tease the other as they see fit.
Twitter: evenbreak
As another old fashioned, rat bag feminist, I was tempted over here by my indignation at the title. Like Ann I definitely don’t think feminism has gone too far. I think age has a lot to do with that (with apologies to Ann, if she’s younger than I think!). I can remember when women needed a male guarantor for a bank loan, when female teachers lost their jobs if they got married … and when I first started work we weren’t allowed to wear trousers (if you were female it had to be a skirt).
In spite of the well known feminist phrase “the personal is political”, I don’t think what Maggie is talking about actually has anything much to do with feminism. Do you think that what many lesbians, or gay men, say about their partners would be any different? I don’t. It’s just human nature to moan.
I used to bitch about my husband sometimes – without losing sight of his good points – but I came up with what – to me – is the ideal solution. Do without a husband. I’d like to singe the praises of a single life.
I agree. It’s common for couples to moan about their partners, of either gender. I don’t think this is about feminism, it’s about relationships generally, which are often built on teasing and joking. Sometimes the moaning might be a release for real dissatisfaction, but I’ve heard just as many men criticise their wives as women criticise their husbands – and yes, same sex couples criticse each other too!
I remember my husband saying if the time came where I stopped feeling able to tease him (and vice versa) we would know there was a real problem. That day came, and I’d also like to sing the praises of single life! And of a life as a couple, so long as both are free to praise and tease the other as they see fit.
Twitter: evenbreak