If You Loved Me, You Would ….
I wonder what the person saying something along those lines actually means? Learning to communicate clearly is a key skill in all relationships.
Let’s face it, how can doing *that* equal love? Even if we don’t know what *that* is, I’m sure we can all agree that whatever it is, it isn’t love. What isn’t in doubt though is that the person is needing something more from you than you had either been aware of, or are willing to give. It might be the only way that they can show their fear, or even control you.
It might make you wonder what other messages are being transmitted or received.
What we hear, not in our ears, but in our hearts and minds, is based on our experiences in the past and our emotional state. What you hear one day might not affect you, but another day it might send you into a tailspin. For what reason then would you shoot the talker!
Very often we jump in and decide what was meant by what we heard. If you’re like me, you’ll have experienced occasions where you’ve been picked up wrongly, or what you said was interpreted as something completely different.
A good way to learn to notice the difference between the words that you hear and the message behind them is to listen and hear the words, and start to slowly unpick sentences. Very often the speaker is unaware of what they have said as it’s their way of communicating and they’ve not been prompted to think about it before now. At this stage, as the listener, it’s important to remain calm and simply be curious. Your aim is to find out more and determine where the speaker is coming from.
Ask the simple question – What does that mean?
Unless you have already explained that you’re starting this as a practice, the speaker might be suspicious about your questions! Depending on your history together, and how you usually respond, they might think you want to trip them up or that you’re being a nit picker. Again, remain calm and remember the reason you’re doing this is so that you can learn to communicate without your own emotional stuff getting in the way.
When we are willing to recognise how our emotions affect our ability to communicate with others clearly, we start on the path to being able to love unconditionally.
How would the people in your life respond if you took time to ask them what they meant so you were clear on what they were saying?
About JackieWalkerJackie Walker is a coach/therapist/guide helping men, women and couples to navigate their relationship doldrums and stormy waters. She can be found on Twitter as @jackiewalker
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6 Responses to If You Loved Me, You Would ….
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In her shoes is a series of anonymous posts from women in business, sharing their experience. In your comments you are asked to answer the question – What would you do in her shoes? My story began 9 months ago; it is a story of self-realisation, friendship, love and betrayal. After 11 years at home [...]
That post really has made me sit up and think – thanks so much Jackie!
I think the main benefit to come out of what you suggest is not merely a better understanding on the part of the listener, but also – once questioning begins – the chance for the speaker to review what s/he really means and revise the words/thoughts appropriately.
Sz
Suzan St Maur I lovingly typed…Why you need to reMAMBA your marketing articulation
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
I couldn’t agree with you more Suze, we really can make such a difference when we’re willing to be calm and dare I say, vulnerable and curious.
JackieWalker I lovingly typed…How to love unconditionally – Q&A Video
Twitter: jackiewalker
Jackie, your post is spot on. It’s so easy to jump to the wrong conclusion, isn’t it! I find it useful to remember, when someone seems to be deliberately provoking (!) that most people, most of the time, have no intention to annoy the other person and what other possible ways might there be to interpret the comment.
Susanne Jorgensen wrote an interesting article recently called It’s Not Enough to Talk. I thought it was another interesting take on communication that made me stop and think that what we say isn’t always what we mean!
Marion Ryan I lovingly typed…The Great Domain Registration Hoax (I Didn’t Fall For)
Twitter: marionryan
“Again, remain calm and remember the reason you’re doing this is so that you can learn to communicate without your own emotional stuff getting in the way.” – Yes! It is so hard to remain calm when you’re really upset. At least, I feel like I have to mentally focus on remaining calm.
This blog about anger is really helpful too: http://tinyurl.com/8xrt327
Loving this site!
Susanna I lovingly typed…Combating Anger
Twitter: MFSBetter
Hello Marion! Truly, yes! And when we know that all we need to do is stay calm and ask a question or two, first of ourselves and then of the other, life becomes much easier. Of course, it’s easy to forget in the heat of the moment, but it’s never too late to forgive ourselves or someone else and start again.
Jackie Walker I lovingly typed…Being Me Interview – Sue Mitchell
Twitter: jackiewalker
Hi Susanna, it sure can be challenging to be calm in the moment, and it sounds like your focus on remaining calm, is a fantastic step to take as it buys you the time to reflect before charging in!
Jackie Walker I lovingly typed…Being Me Interview – Sue Mitchell
Twitter: jackiewalker