Lady Gardening – Beyond the Bikini Line
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I am truly flabbergasted. Never mind that the whole idea of tending one’s lady garden has only recently come to my attention as being something other than pottering about in the flower beds, now I understand there are templates and dyes and all kinds of accoutrements with which to tend our nether regions! I nearly spilled my sherry when chatting with Sarah the other day as she enlightened me about such things – goodness only knows how we got onto the subject, but such is the way of women – we’ll chat about anything!
In my day (aka last time I was single – over 15 years ago) we’d only recently started taming the bikini line. These days it must take hours to prepare oneself when on a promise (do people even use that phrase anymore?)! Don’t women have enough to do these days? Mind you I am speaking as a middle-aged woman merrily approaching 50 who does not have any alopecia issues, thankfully.
So, somewhat intrigued, I thought I should investigate just what is expected, what is available to assist us with our endeavours, and who we are really doing it for? I doubt very much that men are insisting upon such nonsense, surely – perhaps it’s just another media-driven trend, one that can only be derived from the porn industry this time. But really – let’s get a grip!
I did have a go at a professional waxing of my bikini line, about 20 years ago, just before a holiday to Cuba (now there’s a tale, but I’m not Ronnie Corbett) it was horrible! Waxing one’s legs is bad enough, but in such places that deserve more care… And shaving – well forget that – I recall another youthful time when I made the mistake of shaving rather enthusiastically, sometime in my 20s – never, ever again – my goodness that was not pleasant a few days later. And I cannot imagine that my Silk Epil is going to be a comfortable prospect either – that’s actually not too bad on my legs (but then I did push out a 12lb baby with no pain relief, so by comparison… I suppose this is where the various epilation creams come into their own – I do hope they’ve moved on a long way from the smelly, semi-effective Immac of the 80s.
It seems that indeed a whole new industry has sprung up from this need to look like pre-pubescent girls. Not a look I fancy, and I certainly do not fancy a man who desires such a look! That is surely cause for concern rather than a treat to be bestowed. We can now buy such things as the Naughty Nads Bikini Design Kit which includes a variety of templates, would you believe. I must be getting old though actually rather welcome such if nonsense wastes-of-money are on the shopping lists of younger ladies. And of course we can now dye our pubic hair, but can you believe that we can now buy a dye for the whole area! Because apparently as we get older, our lady parts become less pink than in our youth. Good grief! We get older – live with it! I may not be as shiny and bright down below, but you don’t have to look at it, and I’m not going to be auditioning as a porn star anytime soon! In my experience (albeit having been with the one chap for 15 years or so up until I left him last year, and now more than satisfied with “other means”) chaps are generally rather happy to be invited and have other things to think about than how pink my bits are!
Oh dear – I do feel quite old now, but this is not a complaint. I’m enjoying this getting older lark, mostly. Looking forward with glee to the end of hormonal nonsenses (post-menopause, that is), and that I can get away with not having to worry quite so much about looking attractive for other people. Now if I look good, it’s for me!
I know that the Birds would love to hear more on lady gardening, so please do share your opinion, laughs, thoughts, experiences… Or I may be sacked for being quite so forthright 
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29 Responses to Lady Gardening – Beyond the Bikini Line
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In her shoes is a series of anonymous posts from women in business, sharing their experience. In your comments you are asked to answer the question – What would you do in her shoes? My story began 9 months ago; it is a story of self-realisation, friendship, love and betrayal. After 11 years at home [...]
I heard of a woman who had 17 stitches from a bikini wax and it put me right off…
I heard of a woman who had 17 stitches from a bikini wax and it put me right off…
Babs, I am shocked
You mean to say you’ve never been vajazzled?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/theluxuryspot/vajazzling-is-real-ttc
Never mind trimming and waxing and dyeing – that’s juts not enough. Now you have to have little crystals applied in a pleasing pattern too….
Nooo! Well, I never! That is just too weird. It’s all beyond me…
Twitter: babssaul
Babs, I am shocked
You mean to say you’ve never been vajazzled?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/theluxuryspot/vajazzling-is-real-ttc
Never mind trimming and waxing and dyeing – that’s juts not enough. Now you have to have little crystals applied in a pleasing pattern too….
Nooo! Well, I never! That is just too weird. It’s all beyond me…
Twitter: babssaul
The quickest way to get a smooth naughty zone is to have certain types of chemotherapy. No smelly creams, no itchy shaving – just baby-smooth lady gardens! (..along with baby-smooth eyebrows, eyelashes, armpits, heads, etc.)
It does grow back afterwards though…
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
The quickest way to get a smooth naughty zone is to have certain types of chemotherapy. No smelly creams, no itchy shaving – just baby-smooth lady gardens! (..along with baby-smooth eyebrows, eyelashes, armpits, heads, etc.)
It does grow back afterwards though…
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
Oh I haven’t chuckled so much in ages, thank you!
As to the matter itself, I concur most modern “methods” are far from suitable – you either undergo such unnecessary pain and subsequent “pink” bits that it cannot possibly be worth it or have to be on a strict regime of every few days…..this cannot be right, surely?
I will say that, in my humble opinion, the best option is the good old fashioned Immac (or whatever it’s called today) as it does at least give a decent time scale…just heaven forbit you get any of it in the wrong place and end up with a “template” all of your own!lol
Oh I haven’t chuckled so much in ages, thank you!
As to the matter itself, I concur most modern “methods” are far from suitable – you either undergo such unnecessary pain and subsequent “pink” bits that it cannot possibly be worth it or have to be on a strict regime of every few days…..this cannot be right, surely?
I will say that, in my humble opinion, the best option is the good old fashioned Immac (or whatever it’s called today) as it does at least give a decent time scale…just heaven forbit you get any of it in the wrong place and end up with a “template” all of your own!lol
Well, I have to admit I’m an occasional shaver down there because my lady garden gets much better attention from my man when I do. And given that he is a gentleman gardener (I know!!!!!!!!!!), I can hardly claim sexism or anything.
My main problem is the question of where to stop. There is no point at all in dealing with the hair at the front, because it’s nowhere near the point of interest. You have to deal with all the – ahh – underhang below. Personally, I have a much more friendly cream than Immac, because it’s gentle skin down there.
But if you only deal with the underhang, you end up stopping short of the hairy bum. (You know where I’m going with this, don’t you!) I have to admit, this area bothers me far more than the rest. Every six months or so, you’ll find me on hands and knees, bum in the air, cream all over to take the hair off, for 10 minutes. It is NOT an elegant look. But it does the trick.
And it’s all for nothing, really, because no-one ever looks there. I just feel better if it’s done.
Mind you, I’m NEVER going to get my bum bleached. That really is something limited to porn stars.
Morag – when we next meet up, if I cannot stop laughing, it will be down to that image you’ve just placed in my head! I just could not co-ordinate all that – it would be too messy for words!
Twitter: babssaul
I must admit, just after I posted it, I did think “Oh God, Oh God, why is there no delete button?”!
Well, I have to admit I’m an occasional shaver down there because my lady garden gets much better attention from my man when I do. And given that he is a gentleman gardener (I know!!!!!!!!!!), I can hardly claim sexism or anything.
My main problem is the question of where to stop. There is no point at all in dealing with the hair at the front, because it’s nowhere near the point of interest. You have to deal with all the – ahh – underhang below. Personally, I have a much more friendly cream than Immac, because it’s gentle skin down there.
But if you only deal with the underhang, you end up stopping short of the hairy bum. (You know where I’m going with this, don’t you!) I have to admit, this area bothers me far more than the rest. Every six months or so, you’ll find me on hands and knees, bum in the air, cream all over to take the hair off, for 10 minutes. It is NOT an elegant look. But it does the trick.
And it’s all for nothing, really, because no-one ever looks there. I just feel better if it’s done.
Mind you, I’m NEVER going to get my bum bleached. That really is something limited to porn stars.
Morag – when we next meet up, if I cannot stop laughing, it will be down to that image you’ve just placed in my head! I just could not co-ordinate all that – it would be too messy for words!
Twitter: babssaul
I must admit, just after I posted it, I did think “Oh God, Oh God, why is there no delete button?”!
When I were a lad, my main experience of naked women was the statues in the library (the Harris, in Preston) which were very polished and shiny (the men were, too). Then one day I discovered a copy of Men Only magazine, and was shocked for about 24 hours, but then realised that this was about sex, having recently acquired some hairy, curiously scented and blood-engorged faculties of my own.
I’ve always enjoyed female pubic hair (when I say always, I do mean “when given the chance” ) It’s pleasant yo the touch, and it holds on to moisture and scent in a way that I find very friendly.
Grooming is important, and I have my preferences, but I have to stop now and drool over Emma Thompson on Johnathan Ross.
Thanks, Gordon – a welcome male opinion. I hope Emma was on form last night
Twitter: babssaul
When I were a lad, my main experience of naked women was the statues in the library (the Harris, in Preston) which were very polished and shiny (the men were, too). Then one day I discovered a copy of Men Only magazine, and was shocked for about 24 hours, but then realised that this was about sex, having recently acquired some hairy, curiously scented and blood-engorged faculties of my own.
I’ve always enjoyed female pubic hair (when I say always, I do mean “when given the chance” ) It’s pleasant yo the touch, and it holds on to moisture and scent in a way that I find very friendly.
Grooming is important, and I have my preferences, but I have to stop now and drool over Emma Thompson on Johnathan Ross.
Thanks, Gordon – a welcome male opinion. I hope Emma was on form last night
Twitter: babssaul
I’m a bit of a waxing junkie I’m afraid. I have a high pain threshold (just as well, for a number of reasons!) and so don’t find it uncomfortable at all. It deals with the hair in all the places Morag mentions, is over and done with quickly (my beautician is the fastest waxer in the west), lasts for some time, and grows back smooth and silky, with no itchy stubble, ever.
I do it for two reasons – firstly it makes me feel more attractive and sexy, and secondly it makes me feel more hygienic (I have my underarms waxed for the same reason – don’t like hair in either place).
Twitter: evenbreak
I once asked about waxing at my local beauty salon, but they don’t do “privates” areas. Well, I guess I’d prefer to go to a salon that does specialise in it, rather than one that’s just gung ho about having a go.
I do know a lady who claims she can’t bear hair anywhere on her body and shaves it all off. That seems to me to be very high maintenance!
I’m a bit of a waxing junkie I’m afraid. I have a high pain threshold (just as well, for a number of reasons!) and so don’t find it uncomfortable at all. It deals with the hair in all the places Morag mentions, is over and done with quickly (my beautician is the fastest waxer in the west), lasts for some time, and grows back smooth and silky, with no itchy stubble, ever.
I do it for two reasons – firstly it makes me feel more attractive and sexy, and secondly it makes me feel more hygienic (I have my underarms waxed for the same reason – don’t like hair in either place).
Twitter: evenbreak
I once asked about waxing at my local beauty salon, but they don’t do “privates” areas. Well, I guess I’d prefer to go to a salon that does specialise in it, rather than one that’s just gung ho about having a go.
I do know a lady who claims she can’t bear hair anywhere on her body and shaves it all off. That seems to me to be very high maintenance!
Happy to edit it for you Morag, just let me know
Honestly, Sarah, as those who know me in person know, I'm more than happy to share the most intimate details of my life
Hahahaha – I just tweeted last night that it's much easier being single than at the start of a new relationship! Maybe that's why my marriage ended – I stopped caring about myself.
This morning was my turn to open the lid on the tube of Veet and apply liberally – and as I stood there awkwardly with legs akimbo, I read the instructions – yes I know, it would have been better to do it first! Anyway, it continued .. 'do not apply to scars' – oh oh, I've had two CS.
DIY was definitely preferable to a time a couple of years ago when I thought perhaps I should be more 'aware' and take better care of myself, so off I went to the beautician. Being somewhat naive in the names of the various waxing, I once agreed to a Brazilian – the screams coming the room apparently emptied the seats in the waiting area and I was subsequently banned from return!
DIY it will remain, but only as and when required!!
Twitter: jackiewalker
This has had me in stitches, quite an image you have painted there
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