What's love got to do with it?
I’ve approached writing this post with some trepidation, I must admit. It’s not a traditional Valentine’s sentiment, however is not in any way anti-love – love may well be a sweet, old-fashioned notion, but how wonderful it can be.
A little background… A year ago yesterday I packed and moved myself and my children into a new home, apart from my husband, their father. This was the bravest, scariest thing I’ve ever done – it was not what I wanted, but what I wanted depended on his involvement, and that was not happening – so I did the next best thing in order to be happy.
The inspiration for this blog is that he still says “I love you” and he means it – it’s not said to make me feel guilty, it’s just what he feels. Sometimes there is an automatic trigger to say the same, because I do feel love for him and likely always will, but more often I feel irritation, I almost want to blurt out “So what!”. Because it is a “second-hand emotion” – it has no relevance to me. His love would be better demonstrated by showing himself love – but that’s for him to want to do.
What I want is to be happy – that is my way of loving me (there, I’ve said it “out loud” – I love me) and I am lucky enough to be able to do that, having learned that it is up to me how I feel. Thanks to a wonderful counsellor I learned about the bully, victim, rescuer drama cycle that so many of us don’t even realise is present in so many aspects of our lives (something that should be taught in schools, I feel), and also that I cannot make someone happy. Which of course led me to understand that there’s only one person I can make happy – that took some getting used.
So many songs are so very misleading (which doesn’t stop me enjoying them, and singing along) and some lyric writers should be ashamed of themselves for spreading such nonsense 
Putting my own happiness before anyone else’s still feels odd and a little uncomfortable, but if we all did that (let’s assume with good intent), wouldn’t the world be happier in general? For some time I stayed in the marriage, trying to make the most of what I did have and thinking that my doing so was the best for both my husband and for my children. Then realised that I was teaching by example that one’s own happiness is not important, that it’s more important to make someone else happy – perish that thought! Now if my husband had actually been happy there’s a pretty high chance that we’d still be together, but despite having plenty to be happy about, he instead chooses to be unhappy. Such frustration and a terrible waste, but there is nothing I can do to change his thinking, much as I wish I could.
Surely for a loving relationship to grow, for surely it must as (or if?) people do, requires a conscious effort, it does take some work and needs time given to just that. It’s easy to look back and see where I could have influenced things more, that pesky hindsight… Friends are getting a bit sick of me giving them advice, but no harm in a reminder of some of the glaringly obvious things that can keep the friendship, at least, alive, so I’ll keep nudging!
That love can grow I know can be true, and that is something I celebrate; some people feel embarrassed about their love in my company now which is a great shame – I’m still me – more so – and still a romantic and believe in love where it is true and where people are happy. I still love my husband, but sadly he’s very far from the man I married or the one I was sure he’d grow to – have I let him down by not staying with him through the unrelenting “worse”? Should I have stuck it out and hoped that he would decide to choose to be happy? No – even this Pollyanna found it impossible to be happy with someone so very unhappy.
I’m lucky; the idea of being single for the rest of my life does not bother me – I am happy, and that has nothing to do with someone else loving me. If I can encourage that in others, most especially my children, now that would add to my happiness, indeed. That there could be more happiness for me, of course there could, but I’d love for others to have that as I have plenty – oh that I could bestow happiness but the only way I can do that is by example, with kindness, and even by smiling a lot. I have much to be happy about and it would be churlish not to be when there is so much real grief and tragedy in the world.
My wonderful sister suggested a quote from the film, As Good As It Gets – Jack Nicholson says, to Diane Keaton, “…you are a woman to love”, and as she wanders off, she says “A woman to love… what the hell does that mean?”.
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53 Responses to What's love got to do with it?
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In her shoes is a series of anonymous posts from women in business, sharing their experience. In your comments you are asked to answer the question – What would you do in her shoes? My story began 9 months ago; it is a story of self-realisation, friendship, love and betrayal. After 11 years at home [...]
Poignant, especially for today for those of us who do find ourselves alone, whether by choice or other reasons.
Only by learning what love is to us as an individual can we love others.
This for me has got to be the first Valentines Day in many a year that I have felt happy (and yes, still single) with who I am, what I have and the decisions I have had to make. This is in part thanks to the writer of this article, my beloved sister!
Twitter: babssaul
Poignant, especially for today for those of us who do find ourselves alone, whether by choice or other reasons.
Only by learning what love is to us as an individual can we love others.
This for me has got to be the first Valentines Day in many a year that I have felt happy (and yes, still single) with who I am, what I have and the decisions I have had to make. This is in part thanks to the writer of this article, my beloved sister!
Twitter: babssaul
Thanks Babs, for such a heartfelt blog.
I’m glad you still believe in love, even though you were unlucky enough to discover that love does not conquer all.
I also think you are absolutely right that our happiness should not depend on another person. It’s too much responsibility to ask someone else to carry that for me, I think.
What does radiate from your words, Ms Pollyanna, is how much love you have for others – your children, your ex, your sister and your friends, and that matters more than anything.
So if anyone deserves celebrating today, it’s you
Thank you, Ann
I don’t consider myself at all unlucky and am far from cynical about love – it may happen again, who knows, but I don’t “need” it to happen. I’m lucky – I have loved and can see and enjoy all the love around me. I really must do more with this Pollyanna thing…
I’ll always celebrate love, kindness and happiness – it’s all around us (OK – will stop there before I burst into song!)
Twitter: babssaul
I’m all in favour of Pollyannaishness – as long as we give ourselves space for all our other feelings too.
I do agree too about the importance of loving ourselves – I think that’s something that was really neglected when I was young – all the fear then was that we would be at risk of being spoiled if anything good was ever said about us in our hearing…
I don’t mind of you burst into song, so long as I can too…and I should warn you that even the cat gets up, looks disgusted and walks out when I do
Thanks Babs, for such a heartfelt blog.
I’m glad you still believe in love, even though you were unlucky enough to discover that love does not conquer all.
I also think you are absolutely right that our happiness should not depend on another person. It’s too much responsibility to ask someone else to carry that for me, I think.
What does radiate from your words, Ms Pollyanna, is how much love you have for others – your children, your ex, your sister and your friends, and that matters more than anything.
So if anyone deserves celebrating today, it’s you
Thank you, Ann
I don’t consider myself at all unlucky and am far from cynical about love – it may happen again, who knows, but I don’t “need” it to happen. I’m lucky – I have loved and can see and enjoy all the love around me. I really must do more with this Pollyanna thing…
I’ll always celebrate love, kindness and happiness – it’s all around us (OK – will stop there before I burst into song!)
Twitter: babssaul
I’m all in favour of Pollyannaishness – as long as we give ourselves space for all our other feelings too.
I do agree too about the importance of loving ourselves – I think that’s something that was really neglected when I was young – all the fear then was that we would be at risk of being spoiled if anything good was ever said about us in our hearing…
I don’t mind of you burst into song, so long as I can too…and I should warn you that even the cat gets up, looks disgusted and walks out when I do
That’s a lovely piece Babs and I’m sure will resonate with lots of people (men as well as women). I was talking about a similar thing the other day and remembered the words to a Barbra Streisand song that you might like called ‘Lullaby for Myself’ http://therealannhawkins.posterous.com/
Oh I do like that, Ann – thank you. Will have to have a listen too (being a bit of a fan!).
Twitter: babssaul
That’s a lovely piece Babs and I’m sure will resonate with lots of people (men as well as women). I was talking about a similar thing the other day and remembered the words to a Barbra Streisand song that you might like called ‘Lullaby for Myself’ http://therealannhawkins.posterous.com/
Oh I do like that, Ann – thank you. Will have to have a listen too (being a bit of a fan!).
Twitter: babssaul
Well done Babs – and I relate to so many of your quandaries and questions here too from my own life experience.
I too believe that unless we truly love ourselves, we cannot expect or feel or believe in the love of others.
And of course happiness can come from taking the best care of ourselves that we can ….
Twitter: dreamingspain
Well only then can we care and nurture others, Amanda. There is much misunderstanding about the notion of “loving ourselves”, sadly, but perhaps we’re getting there
Twitter: babssaul
Well done Babs – and I relate to so many of your quandaries and questions here too from my own life experience.
I too believe that unless we truly love ourselves, we cannot expect or feel or believe in the love of others.
And of course happiness can come from taking the best care of ourselves that we can ….
Twitter: dreamingspain
Well only then can we care and nurture others, Amanda. There is much misunderstanding about the notion of “loving ourselves”, sadly, but perhaps we’re getting there
Twitter: babssaul
Uplifting stuff Babs – I’ve been a single parent for 16 years and haven’t been in a relationship for about 10 years. And while I don’t close my mind to the idea of meeting my Prince Charming one day, I’m hardly out there kissing frogs.
In fact I think I’ve been happier – and more at peace, more content – without being in a relationship. Romance is all well and good but laundering someone’s smelly socks really sucks.
Happiness and love come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. The trick is to find what’s right for you, and then build on it, as you’re doing.
Good onya, gal!
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
I can see that actually it’s much easier to be happy without one of these pesky men about
and am sure that this is not just an “early days” reaction. Certainly for the next few years there just won’t be time, between building the business and raising the children – that’s me booked up for the next 10 years at least! And by then I’ll be on my way to 60, so then I can be a mad cat lady and wear purple 
Twitter: babssaul
Oh def wear purple….but will you learn how to spit???
Uplifting stuff Babs – I’ve been a single parent for 16 years and haven’t been in a relationship for about 10 years. And while I don’t close my mind to the idea of meeting my Prince Charming one day, I’m hardly out there kissing frogs.
In fact I think I’ve been happier – and more at peace, more content – without being in a relationship. Romance is all well and good but laundering someone’s smelly socks really sucks.
Happiness and love come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. The trick is to find what’s right for you, and then build on it, as you’re doing.
Good onya, gal!
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
I can see that actually it’s much easier to be happy without one of these pesky men about
and am sure that this is not just an “early days” reaction. Certainly for the next few years there just won’t be time, between building the business and raising the children – that’s me booked up for the next 10 years at least! And by then I’ll be on my way to 60, so then I can be a mad cat lady and wear purple 
Twitter: babssaul
Oh def wear purple….but will you learn how to spit???
What a lovely, positive blog and how brave you are to write it! It takes some courage, even in these enlightened times, to admit that you aren’t the standard M+W+2 family. I have been married three times and still believe in love (“the triumph of hope over experience” – GBS) but you have found the most important secret, to love yourself and to have happiness contained within yourself, not dependent on somebody else.
Thank you, Ruth – I consider myself lucky indeed. I’m all for making this “secret” standard practice!
Twitter: babssaul
What a lovely, positive blog and how brave you are to write it! It takes some courage, even in these enlightened times, to admit that you aren’t the standard M+W+2 family. I have been married three times and still believe in love (“the triumph of hope over experience” – GBS) but you have found the most important secret, to love yourself and to have happiness contained within yourself, not dependent on somebody else.
Thank you, Ruth – I consider myself lucky indeed. I’m all for making this “secret” standard practice!
Twitter: babssaul
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As you know, Babs, I was widowed 5 years ago, and I’ve had a number of relationships since then. Currently in a relationship with Mike, whom I’ve known since 2006, and the thing that is great about it is that it is long term but part time – we have our separate lives and wash our own socks. THIS is why it works. Whenever we spend more than 24 hours together, I have a strong urge to kill him, so we tend to keep it to one night a week.
The older we get, I believe the more we appreciate that our life is not about existing to be a servant for the man we’re with. Here’s the key: ENJOY it for what it is. If someone makes you happy as well, then all to the good. But in the meantime, keep living it.
PS I agree. I loathe pop songs and the insidious lies they spread, even though I also sing along.
It is a funny time, I think, for men and women – there’s a whole series of blog posts in themselves and exploring that with my sister.
I really cannot imagine living with someone again. Even the vague plottings with my sister for our old age – she in her house in France, me with my cottage over here – and each having an annexe for the other – would take into account that after a couple of days together we do get on each others’ nerves some – but at least we can just laugh at that without getting stroppy or defensive (even if hormonal swings coincide!).
Twitter: babssaul
As you know, Babs, I was widowed 5 years ago, and I’ve had a number of relationships since then. Currently in a relationship with Mike, whom I’ve known since 2006, and the thing that is great about it is that it is long term but part time – we have our separate lives and wash our own socks. THIS is why it works. Whenever we spend more than 24 hours together, I have a strong urge to kill him, so we tend to keep it to one night a week.
The older we get, I believe the more we appreciate that our life is not about existing to be a servant for the man we’re with. Here’s the key: ENJOY it for what it is. If someone makes you happy as well, then all to the good. But in the meantime, keep living it.
PS I agree. I loathe pop songs and the insidious lies they spread, even though I also sing along.
It is a funny time, I think, for men and women – there’s a whole series of blog posts in themselves and exploring that with my sister.
I really cannot imagine living with someone again. Even the vague plottings with my sister for our old age – she in her house in France, me with my cottage over here – and each having an annexe for the other – would take into account that after a couple of days together we do get on each others’ nerves some – but at least we can just laugh at that without getting stroppy or defensive (even if hormonal swings coincide!).
Twitter: babssaul
LOL @ Morag … shall we think of words other than the usual that rhyme with “moon,” “june” “kiss” “kissed” “lips” etc. so that romantic songwriters can make their lyrics a bit more realistic?
To start off…
racoon
loon
noon
spoon
maroon
typhoon
p*ss
hiss
abyss
desist
p*ssed
whist
twist
missed
blips
flips
strips
nips
kips
grips
whips (ah, perhaps not – getting a bit saucy)
drips
And to rhyme with love?
…shove
OK, enough from me. Who has some more good ones?
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
Sophie Hannah has written some lovely (ahem, perhaps not the right word) poems about love
For instance, this one on adjusting expectations -
http://www.sophiehannah.com/lovemeslender.html
There are some good potential comic poems in that list, Suz – I am sure there’s some mileage in rhyming kissed with p*ssed
Definitely some mileage in rhyming kissed with p*ssed
lol, and just looking at Suze’s list it’s a wonder any love poems ever get written…
Whilst staring at the moon
your eyes remind me of a racoon
what is this thing called love
when I see you my desire
is to shove
you headfirst into a typhoon…
Think it’s a winner with some polish ;-(
Brilliant Sarah … that Rocky Mountain air must be making you even more creative!
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
LOL @ Morag … shall we think of words other than the usual that rhyme with “moon,” “june” “kiss” “kissed” “lips” etc. so that romantic songwriters can make their lyrics a bit more realistic?
To start off…
racoon
loon
noon
spoon
maroon
typhoon
p*ss
hiss
abyss
desist
p*ssed
whist
twist
missed
blips
flips
strips
nips
kips
grips
whips (ah, perhaps not – getting a bit saucy)
drips
And to rhyme with love?
…shove
OK, enough from me. Who has some more good ones?
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
Sophie Hannah has written some lovely (ahem, perhaps not the right word) poems about love
For instance, this one on adjusting expectations -
http://www.sophiehannah.com/lovemeslender.html
There are some good potential comic poems in that list, Suz – I am sure there’s some mileage in rhyming kissed with p*ssed
Definitely some mileage in rhyming kissed with p*ssed
lol, and just looking at Suze’s list it’s a wonder any love poems ever get written…
Whilst staring at the moon
your eyes remind me of a racoon
what is this thing called love
when I see you my desire
is to shove
you headfirst into a typhoon…
Think it’s a winner with some polish ;-(
Brilliant Sarah … that Rocky Mountain air must be making you even more creative!
Twitter: SuzanStMaur
Babs
A wonderfully written personal account of love and what love does to us and how it effects our lives.I am so glad that your experience has not made you bitter or cynical about love,relationships and marriage. I left a 19 year loveless marriage 10 years ago and quite by chance fell into the arms of a wonderful man who I married two years ago.I truly thought I “Loved” my ex husband, we had two wonderful children together but it was on reflection the loneliest, saddest time of my life.I now at 52 truly can say I know what it feels like to love and be loved and never take it all for granted. You made such a though provoking point in your blog about being responsible for your own happiness and that is so true you can’t make someone else happy it has to come from them….Such wonderful words of wisdom from a very lovely lady Babs! xx
Aw, thanks Sally – lovely words. And I am so glad that you’re happy – he does seem like a good one. It knocks your ability to spot them when you get it wrong so, but we have to take into account how we all grow (or don’t, in some cases). I’ve actually been married before, too – when I was 19, again to a lovely chap, but then I grew and he didn’t. No children that time so it was much easier.
Of course all my certainty above has not been tested by some chap walking in and sweeping me off my feet – which is not easy right now, and I cannot imagine happening – such nonsense is generally saved for younger, more pert ladies, I think (realistic, not fishing!).
Anyway – thank you – I love knowing of such happy relationships, it gladdens my heart and makes me smile.
Twitter: babssaul
Babs
A wonderfully written personal account of love and what love does to us and how it effects our lives.I am so glad that your experience has not made you bitter or cynical about love,relationships and marriage. I left a 19 year loveless marriage 10 years ago and quite by chance fell into the arms of a wonderful man who I married two years ago.I truly thought I “Loved” my ex husband, we had two wonderful children together but it was on reflection the loneliest, saddest time of my life.I now at 52 truly can say I know what it feels like to love and be loved and never take it all for granted. You made such a though provoking point in your blog about being responsible for your own happiness and that is so true you can’t make someone else happy it has to come from them….Such wonderful words of wisdom from a very lovely lady Babs! xx
Aw, thanks Sally – lovely words. And I am so glad that you’re happy – he does seem like a good one. It knocks your ability to spot them when you get it wrong so, but we have to take into account how we all grow (or don’t, in some cases). I’ve actually been married before, too – when I was 19, again to a lovely chap, but then I grew and he didn’t. No children that time so it was much easier.
Of course all my certainty above has not been tested by some chap walking in and sweeping me off my feet – which is not easy right now, and I cannot imagine happening – such nonsense is generally saved for younger, more pert ladies, I think (realistic, not fishing!).
Anyway – thank you – I love knowing of such happy relationships, it gladdens my heart and makes me smile.
Twitter: babssaul
Great post (and some really interesting comments) on all sorts of aspects including the importance of self love, role playing and whose happiness any of us can affect other than our own.
Where are the guys with their views
?…
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
Great post (and some really interesting comments) on all sorts of aspects including the importance of self love, role playing and whose happiness any of us can affect other than our own.
Where are the guys with their views
?…
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
Hmmm, this has made me quite contemplative. Excellent blog Babs and well done you for your bravery and for sharing.
It’s terrible to think how many relationships are maintained just because the fear and difficulty of separating two lives is too much to cope with or because some misplaced sense of moral obligation forces people to believe it is better to stay together in that unhappiness. As you rightly point out Babs, we’re generally quite poor at understanding the value of loving ourselves – not just for own sakes but for the sake of others too.
As for the songs, I have to admit to being a bit of a lyric junkie – but tend to to identify more with those that are a bit more angst ridden when it comes to love (wonder why…).
Twitter: mykitchenstore
We have a guest blog coming at the weekend with some quotes from “chick fliks”, perhaps we could also have a light-hearted post about song lyrics too – we could have some fun with that…
And thanks Elaine – I do have to remind myself that I’m lucky to be as strong as I am – perhaps the benefit from having stuff to deal with when I was a kid – makes me more able to deal with stuff now – who knows. I’d love to help others to feel strong enough to be their authentic selves, who knows, perhaps I’ll retrain one day (now there’s a scary thought!)
Twitter: babssaul
Hmmm, this has made me quite contemplative. Excellent blog Babs and well done you for your bravery and for sharing.
It’s terrible to think how many relationships are maintained just because the fear and difficulty of separating two lives is too much to cope with or because some misplaced sense of moral obligation forces people to believe it is better to stay together in that unhappiness. As you rightly point out Babs, we’re generally quite poor at understanding the value of loving ourselves – not just for own sakes but for the sake of others too.
As for the songs, I have to admit to being a bit of a lyric junkie – but tend to to identify more with those that are a bit more angst ridden when it comes to love (wonder why…).
Twitter: mykitchenstore
We have a guest blog coming at the weekend with some quotes from “chick fliks”, perhaps we could also have a light-hearted post about song lyrics too – we could have some fun with that…
And thanks Elaine – I do have to remind myself that I’m lucky to be as strong as I am – perhaps the benefit from having stuff to deal with when I was a kid – makes me more able to deal with stuff now – who knows. I’d love to help others to feel strong enough to be their authentic selves, who knows, perhaps I’ll retrain one day (now there’s a scary thought!)
Twitter: babssaul
I am so pleased for you Babs as I recall how you struggled with making a decision that was right for you and the children. Well done
Twitter: ethnicsupplies
I am so pleased for you Babs as I recall how you struggled with making a decision that was right for you and the children. Well done
Twitter: ethnicsupplies