Who make better parents – mothers or fathers?
There are many polarised views on whether mothers or fathers generally make better parents. Some believe that women are biologically programmed to nurture. Others believe that girls are socialised into a parental role more than boys are. Some will point to the high incidence of men who go to great lengths to avoid contributing financially to their children’s welfare following divorce or separation as “evidence” that men don’t really care about their children. 
However, I bet we all know men who are fantastic fathers, and women who are pretty awful mothers. This really is an instance where stereotypes are not only unhelpful, they can be very damaging.
Each family is unique, and there is no one “right” family structure. Traditionally we think of a family as comprising a mother, a father and joint children. However, there are many, many successful families with a lone mother, or a lone father, or same sex parents, or many other combinations.
Sadly, when there is a family breakdown – divorce or separation – the emphasis seems to be on what the adults want. Men will talk about “fathers’ rights”. Grandparents will talk about “grandparents’ rights”. This annoys me, if I’m honest. I don’t think it should be about the rights of the father, or the rights of the mother, or indeed any of the adults involved. It should all be about the best solution for the child(ren). There is a myth that “families need fathers”. I believe children need one or more parents, or parental figures, who puts the child first and put the child’s needs before their own. Some families are much better off without the father, if the father’s presence is harmful (emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually etc.). Equally, some families are better off without the mother, for the same reasons.
The court systems seem to have a bias in favour of the mother in custody battles. Why? Whether or not mothers are generally better at parenting than fathers (and there is no evidence to suggest that is the case), each family should be looked at as individually. The only factors to be considered in making the decision are the needs of the child or children, and which living arrangements will best suit them.
We will only really have achieved equality when the genders are seen as equal in all areas. Currently women lose out on many things due to stereotypical assumptions (access to work, promotion, training and equal pay for example), but there are areas where men lose out too. And, in this instance, often the other losers are the children involved.
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23 Responses to Who make better parents – mothers or fathers?
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I had one of those divorces that put the child first, sadly, that meant everyone has undermined my role in my daughters life and ran me down at every opportunity for not 'wanting' my eldest daughter and it obviously indicates I am a completely crap mother for wanting to keep her dad in her life.
He doesn't pay a bean towards her upkeep and he does 10% of the care when he is legally obligated to do 50%. Why? because he is busy working (like I don't?) and at weekends he plays golf, and he can't collect her from school – he has a pool match and he can't take her to school, he's working.
Shared care and 50% responsible is his way of not paying for her upkeep and using it to hide behind when people ask where she is.
Sadly for him and the idiots in my family, my daughter has started to see for herself what he is doing and what he is like. She is forming her own opinions and they are not what people anticipated.
There are, sadly, many stories like this around – of where the most important person (the child) has been let down by one or the other parent. You are right – usually the children will see for themselves, when they are old enough, which parent truly had their interests at heart.
I've heard many stories of fathers completely walking away from their parental responsibilities following divorce or separation, but equally of mothers who deny the father access to the children because of disputes over money, for example. In my mind those are two separate issues – there are other ways of trying to get the absent parent to pay up, and if it is in the interests of the child to remain in contact with their father, that's exactly what should happen.
There will be (rare) cases where the child really would be better off without one or both parents in their life, but unless that is the case, access to the child should be based on what is best for him/her/them rather than what is best for one parent or the other.
I take my hat off to you Sarah for putting your duaghter's needs before your own – it must have been incredibly difficult. In the long run it worked out beautifully, but there must have been a lot of unnecessary pain along the way.
Twitter: evenbreak
Thanks Jane, it has been a hard job.
Every now and then I scream “I am sick of doing the right thing, it gets me nothing!!!” but not within earshot of the children.
Children are costly, I recall reading about the Conran divorce when he contested her payout “as all she did was cook a few meals and mind the kids!”, I felt for those kids having to hear their dad say that about their mum!
Equality for both parents is vital, and grandparents too. My daughter sees her paternal grandparents often – cos I take her
they love each other dearly and I would have felt bereft without my grandparents in childhood, so she sees hers often.
Gosh, have been a bit ranty today Jane – I do apologise!
My partner is amicably divorced and his ex wife lives locally. They have two children, 21 and 23. Both children chose (they were 18 and 20 at the time) to live with their father, but have regular contact with their mother. The reason they stayed in the former family home, according to him was “bigger house, softer parent”! Actually, it’s a bit like an episode of The Young Ones, but with a lot less mess. They are just three adults who live in the same house and get on with each other.In my own situation, I have made it a point to ensure that my boys have continued their relationship with their paternal grandparents, though I realise it would have been easy to let this slide. However, I feel it is vital for them to stay in touch with their father’s side of the family – even if none of them realise it yet, that relationship is the last link for all of them to Brian, and that is important.
Doing the right thing pays off in the end Sarah, but it's a long, exhausting, demeaning journey. My two overriding concerns when I was left as a single Mum were to bring up a generation that had more respect for women than the one I had been let down by, and to allow my son to love both his parents and make up his own mind in his own good time.
Both very hard to do when you are angry, tired, misrepresented and blamed by everyone for everything. But, stick with it. Kids see it all very well in their own sweet time and respect you all the more in the end.
Oh and ranting is ok too.
Ranting is essential sometimes! I admire all single parents, of both sexes. From experience I know it's an incredibly hard, exhausting and difficult job. But I think all of the single parents I know, both men and women, wouldn't have it any other way, if the alternative is to see someone else raise their children.
The ones I most admire are those parents who genuinely put their children's needs before their own. I know people, for example, who have *not* gone for custody of their child because they believed that was the best outcome for the child. Not sure I could be that selfless, although I like to think I would be. And in those cases the so-called “absent parent” does everything they can to play an active role in their child's life.
I was hearing today about a deaf man who single-handedly raises his severely autistic son (aged 10) and his daughter (aged 8). Because of his son's challenges this man has had to give up work, and hasn't been out socially for 5 years. He wishes he could work, wishes he had more money, wishes he could do more for his children. But not for a second has he resented taking them on. Their mother has expressed no desire for any contact since the daughter was 9 months old.
It's a rum old world, and it would be great to get to the point where parents are seen on merit, rather than making any assumptions about their suitability based purely on their gender.
Twitter: evenbreak
From a Ugandan perspective- traditionally children are left with the father following the breakdown of a marriage/relationship regardless of whether he is the best of the two parents to bring that child up. It has something to do with clans and children being brought up within their clans. it also had something to do with finance as fathers are more likely to be more financially better off than mothers.
Women generally accept that when the relationship ends they will have to leave the children behind who will be brought up by someone else(stepmother usually) so some stay in bad marriages to avoid this.
I suspect this will eventually change as women's rights are being improved
Yes, parents make this mistake often and don't realise that children will grow up and form their own opinion..
One of the things I am eternally gratefu to Ryan's mother for – she brought him up on her own after his father left her when Ryan was six moths old, and refused to accept he was the father.
When he was old and ended up in a home with Alzheimers, Ryan was asked by social services to take responsibility for his finances. Ryan refused as he hardly knew his father – he'd only seen his father about half a dozen times, and had never even been introduced to other members of the family. I think that says it all….
When my parents divorced my father was awarded custody – it was very rare in those days. I adored my father and gnerally have no regrets – although I do think it's sad that he and my stepmother decided it was in my best interests not to stay in contact with my mother.
I chose not to have children myself because I was afraid I'd make a terrible parent – and then by the time I grew out of that I was ill and there was no longer any choice. I have some regrets, but do think there are benefits to just being an auntie, and an honory auntie.
I don't think it is anything at all to do with gender – but I do believe there are some people who are completely unsuited to parenthood.
As a disinterested observer, I also think some people make good parents of very young children, but make terrible parents of older children and teenagers. In fact, I wonder if the letting go and allowing them to grow up isn't perhaps the biggest challenge. I suspect it's the part I'd have found hardest, anyway.
Can I ask Ida – I don't know if you would know the answer as I can't recall if you have been to Kenya, Does the same apply in there?
Auntie Ann gets away with murder! I have spent an hour chipping paint from the bath tub lol.
I have been told so many time what a terrible parent I am, I get it in first these days!
Oh no, I should have explained what the canvasses were for
Oopsy. I will send myself to bed without any supper
That's interesting Ida – I didn't know that. But actually, that's just as wrong, isn't it? Assuming that the father will automatically be the better parent based on his gender is no better than the other way round. It's about individual difference/background/circumstances/personalities, surely, rather than which gender a person happens to be?
Twitter: evenbreak
I think people like to have 'sides' and post one gender as better or worse than the other so people can fight. Behaving like a grown up means putting personal grievances aside, and while the other parent may be a back-stabbing no gooder of a 'insert preferred swear word', a child usually needs both parents in their life until they can decide for themselves. Doing the right thing when you have been hard done by isn't easy at all, but it does mean you are actually acting like an adult and a good role model for your child.
Lol, they have not stopped talking about you all day Ann, and when Kira produced her full water pistol as she had hidden a stash – I did immediately think you had a join venture in hiding them!
I am a single parent because my husband died. There is no doubt he was the more nurturing parent, more maternal than me, and I worried dreadfully when he died that I would make a hash of it. In time, I have grown to understand that our children usually do well DESPITE their parents rather than because of it. That's a big comfort to me.
I have a friend at the moment who is set on divorce and it frightens me to death that her concerns are all about how she isn't sufficiently respected by her husband etc. She has said not a word about her children. It is clear that their needs are not top of the list in this planned divorce, which I find terribly sad.
We have traditionally reversed roles in our household – I'm the 'breadwinner' and my husband looks after my son. This is much harder for him than for me, because the culture of childcare is woman-dominated, whilst I was always going to be in a male-dominated industry (construction). A father at the school gate can get in trouble if he makes friends with the mums, who tend to avoid him (oh yes!) and what man do you know who likes going to 'mother and toddler' sessions?
I think I got the easy job, TBH.
Twitter: Subutcher
I'd like to get some men's reactions to this. I know some real horror stories of men who have neglected their child, or started a new family and forgotten their first one, or just selfishly got on with their lives without considering their children. But I am also priveleged to know a number of men who have chosen to take full custody of their children whilst working full time, and do it lovingly and willingly. Or who make very supportive and loving “absent” parents.
An ex-boyfriend took on his pre-pubescent daughters, and was with them through their first periods, first boyfriends, contraception advice, washing frilly undies and so on. I don't know that this should be any more admirable than a woman raising sons single-handedly, but it's just a reminder that there are some great fathers out there!
Another man I know had his two very stroppy teenagers living with him full-time – one of the hardest stages for a parent to deal with.
And yes, there are countless women who make sacrifices every day to raise their children alone.
We should celebrate all parents who do the most important and difficult job in the world as well as they can – whether single or otherwise, and of whatever gender.
Twitter: evenbreak
As a very proud Dad of my two kids, god forbid if wifey and I should ever split, I think our kids would know they are both incredibly important to us. My peer group of male black fathers all share the same beliefs. We all take about and take a very active role in the development of our kids and balk at the idea of not being there either emotionally, spiritually or financially. The only one of my friends who is divorced has majority custody of his daughter too.
Often it is a shame to witness when Dads don't hang about or care for the children they brought into this world, but I would say fortunately I am not of that mindset and am fortunately in a peer group who totally believe in our kids.
I wish all Dads (and all Mums) felt like you David. And thankfully many, many do. But for those who don't it's the children who lose out and that seems unfair. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Twitter: evenbreak
Yes I have been to Nairobi Sarah, but Ia m not familiar with how families are organised out there.
It most certainly is wrong especially if the children end up with a stepmother from hell!