Why do women find it so hard to go back to work?
Why do women find it so hard to go back to work?
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When I had my first son I was under a lot of pressure to make a choice. Stay at home and be a full time mum or relish my maternity leave and go back to work. To this date, it’s been one of the toughest choices I’ve had to make. I loved my new baby with a love I didn’t know I possessed; but deep within me was this fear that I couldn’t face up to. Fear that screamed things like “Don’t go back to work and you’ll turn into your mum!”
(Small note to my mum: ‘If you’re reading this – I love you. Really, I do.’)
You see, for all my life, my mum didn’t work. She would’ve wanted to, but our culture (at that time anyway) made the classic assumption that once women had babies, they should stay at home and nurture them. And my mum like the lovely, socially abiding person that she is; did so.
But over the years, I saw her confidence crumble, her self-esteem dwindle into oblivion and by the time my sister and myself were married (we got there in the end) – she fell apart. She didn’t even have the confidence to take a train into town. And even if she did, she had no money to do it with. No amount of persuasion, pennies or downright pushiness would give her what she had lost.
So my fear was not unfounded.
Fast-forward to 2010 and a friend of mine (who also happens to be an excellent journalist) said to me the other day, “I know I have to get back to work (after 7 years of being out of it), I have the contacts but there’s something holding me back. It’s too daunting to get back into it.” To this I asked “why?” – Why is it so difficult for us mums to get back to work? What is it about staying at home and raising our kids that depletes our confidence and will to want to work?
Part of me wanted to hug my friend at that point (because I saw my mum in her) and part of me wanted to slap her out of it (which is what I think we all need at some point in our lives) but for once, I’ve restrained myself and decided to dig deeper into why we women struggle with the idea of getting back into the workforce. Here are my thoughts.
1. Childcare – It’s costly and we often don’t get the opportunity to pick up where we left off in our careers otherwise we’d be able to pay for it. Enough said.
2. Social guilt – Guilt is something I deal with every day of my life. Ultimately, even if society didn’t play up to the whole ‘working mums are abandoning their kids’ type belief, we still think it.
3. Employers – Recruiters need to pay more attention to the skills you develop once you’re a mum and not write that part of our life off (more on that at the end of this post).
4. Family support – Husbands, grandparents, aunts, uncles… we can’t do it without your help. Small things like dropping the kids off, or picking up the milk when we’ve forgotten (if you’re within distance of course) can make a big difference or simple moral support even.
5. Government – Frankly, I don’t know what support is out there to help women get back into work from the government but whatever it is; it’s not prominent enough to us mums. (Not that I’m mentioning the lack of proportional representation in the cabinet or anything).
Now, if you’re a mum who has taken time out to be with your kids, well done you. You are far stronger than I was when faced with the choice. Also, I’m no expert here. I can only talk from my own experience and what I’ve learnt so here’s my take on why you SHOULD go back to work.
You haven’t lost your skills you’ve gained many, many more like:
- Multitasking – Ever tried getting the dinner ready while washing the clothes and doing dishes at the same time? Or entertaining the kids while ironing and folding when you suddenly realise your two-year old has weed on the carpet and you’ve forgotten it was ‘tennis day’ that day? Multitasking – we excel at it.
- Negotiation – Two words. Kids. Brussel sprouts.
- Performing under pressure – Think of the times you’ve had to show calm reserve whilst trying to scrape a screaming child off the pavement or supermarket floor with perfectly formed mums, dads and grannies casting inconspicuous looks of horror your way.
- Drive for results aka potty training.
- People person – You know those days when you were the only mum at school who didn’t happen to know anybody else? When you saw your child standing alone in the playground because ‘you’ were ‘Billynomates’? Well, think back to how you used the resources/people skills within you to infiltrate those cliques and connect with your vast network of mums now.
- People management or coaching for performance – Managing a husband to get off his tired backside and helping out every evening is an achievement in itself. Believe you me.
- Hard worker – Need I say more?
I could go on forever, but I leave the rest of finding out your worth to you… my only wish for you is that, like me you’ll see that as mums we pour out our hearts and push ourselves beyond our own expectation every single day. We do with love, grace and to the best of our ability. And if there were two slogans that work for us it’s these: “Just do it” because “you’re worth it”.
PS: My mum got a job with the Salvation Army at the age of 66 and she’s blissfully happy. Go mum!
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12 Responses to Why do women find it so hard to go back to work?
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I totally agree you lose all confidence by staying home. It's very isolating (the schoolgate clique doesn't help). But for me there was no choice. I did try working when I had just one, but I missed him just too much.
I'm also very fussy, there is no childcare that meets my standards (childcare that respects attachment theory). Once my youngest weaned last year I found some great jobs, but no childcare. That's why I started own business! It was the only way. It's mainly weekend work so husband is home.
As for guilt, I think that's a permanent state of emotion for any mum!
Yes, I think guilt is a life battle for us mums! Thanks for your sharing. I wasn’t as brave to set up my business immediately… which is why I went back to work and have set up http://www.thewritersblog.co.uk – the timing was perfect when I lost my role on BT Tradespace and even though it’s challenging (esp if I get another job to help pay the mortgage); I am loving it. Thinking my next post should be on what we need as women in business! thanks again and good luck.
Ah, the school gate clique. They take the humanity out of motherhood. Am reading a book about the Roman Army, they had a brutal technique called 'Decimating'. They would take ten legionaries, and by ballot, one would be bludgeoned to death by his colleagues. This for the legionaries was the most horrific punishment. The modern day equivalent of Legionaries decimating someone are the Schoolgate Clique.
Bian, I went back to work 2 days after Jessica was born, I felt pressured by everyone, family, friends, to go back. The only one that said take a break was my employer, a wise older man called Brian. I'd wished I had listened to him.
This is probably the best blog I have ever read, it might be because its near to my Heart I'm not sure
but well written, well thought through and entertaining
I could babble on but I think you have said it all for a lot of us
Thank you
Jacqui Wilson
Please could I widen this out to going back to work after any long period? Anyone not able to work from illness for a while faces a lot of the same psychological and emotional challenges.
Deinfitely Rosemary. I agree – absence from work requires overcoming similar blocks. Could you share more comments/tips for people who are in that situation?
Jacqui – thanks for your lovely comment. It's a topic that's so close to me that I could write about it forever! Keep reading… B
How bizarre that you mention the Decimating… I was watching it with Ethan on Horrible Histories… yuck! … but totally agree with the Schoolgate Clique being the modern day equivalent. .. I always think, if I could overcome that… I can overcome anything! Thanks Sarah. B
Often the hardest part is standing your ground under the pressures. Pressure from finances, pressure that you SHOULD be working, pressure that you're being lazy and should be pushing yourself and we don't all get what we need etc, pressure that it is important to look after yourself and knowing that available work may damage your recovery…. and the biggest one which is not having a driving focus.
Surrounding yourself with people who support you is important – and going looking for them if necessary, online is great for this. Putting the highest priority on what you need to do to get better is very difficult at times but a damaging job that doesn't support you will get you back where you started, only more demoralised. Look for work that is right for you and work that won't damage your recovery if finances are really an issue.
I would also keep an eye on your official records – tax and National Insurance. These people get twitchy if there aren't records, so if you have had a break get it all put on your record so there is something there, even if it isn't contributions.
It really shouldn't be so hard but it is. For me, the secret is not to “go back” to work at all. I was a BBC radio journalist and while I loved my job I couldn't make it work now, not with the kids and the shifts. Instead I hope to re-invent myself and create a new role because I know I am not going to find one advertised in the paper that suits my needs.
So this is the hard bit, getting out there and making it work! I want to use my writing and blogging skills and my passion for social media to make a living – I'll let you know how I get on!
Ah it's been a good 10 years (and 2 more children) since I've been in work. It's hard to believe people would want to pay me for anything! I'm having to learn how to pretend I'm worth something.
That's was what I did Lucy. I'm a journalist too – I think social media by its very nature is suited to us lot. Best of luck and keep in touch either here on my site which is http://www.thewritersblog.co.uk . If you'd like to do a guest post let me know! B